HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) - REVIEW

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) 

Plot:  Hansel & his sister Gretel are lost in the woods and hungry.  They find not only a cottage but one you can eat, being lured in and trapped by a medieval Saville, in the form of a witch.


Sensing danger they kick the shit out of the witch and shove her in the oven, turns out they are immune to witchy magic.  Years later we see they have grown up into (Jeremy Renner) and (Gemma Arterton) who seem to have stolen some weapons from Van Helsing and taken to wearing tight leather outfits (Awesome on Arterton, dodgy, kind... of creepy with Renner). 

Move away from the fucking candy

The sibling have earned a rep as Witch Hunters and this time round are hired to kill a witch and hopefully return the lost, local kids she has stolen.  Along the way they pick up Witch Hunter superfan Ben (Thomas Mann) & Mina (Pihla Viitala) after saving her from being burned alive as a witch by a seriously pissed off Sheriff (Peter Stormare), he don't like H&G at all, especially after Gretel gives him a kiss (weirdo), in the face with her forehead (Ahhh). 

The problem (apart from the sheriff) is Grand Witch Muriel (Famke Janssen) who has orchestrated the whole errr orchestra, luring H&G in. Bad news they aren't immune to her magical mumbo jumbo, the Hunters become the Hunted in a plan to......   something about a Blood Moon I don't think it's really important. 

I still would

Alternative Plot:  Two chavs get caught trying to eat a old woman's house, restraining them using reasonable force, before the authorities arrive they overpower and burn her alive.  Growing up into a pair of leather clad fetishists (one of them is also a candy junky), they travel the land making money from their witch genocide, with extreme violence & defying the Geneva Convention using torture to gain information, until the witches cannot take this persecution anymore and finally make a stand. 

Is it good:  Yes, if you read other reviews though you wouldn't believe that.  Only holding 15% on Rotten Tomatoes is not good but don't believe them, miserable Titanic lovers.  Enjoy this Grimm Fairytale from Hollywood via Norway, a Grim tale in the same sense that demon possession movies are based on  true stories (It's a weak link). 

Its very similar in style to the equally panned Van Helsing (2004) but with the added attraction of buckets full of blood.  Filmed by the maker of the awesome, Nazi zombie movie Dead snow (2011) you would expect no less.  This goes into overdrive when a Troll goes shit arse nuts in one of the highlights.  Gemma Artertons' face splattered with brains in another, kinky (I have issues).

Wait that's siouxsie and the banshees

Witches have always been a bit crap, just flying around on broomsticks casting spells, giving people dodgy golden delicious, it was time to let them use the kick arse moves vampires & werewolves have been enjoying lately.  Famke Janssen seemed to relish the bad girl role, much like she did in GoldenEye (1995) kicking ass, all sexy and Evil, not bad since shes knocking on 50. 

Unfortunately there nothing as good as "Yo She-Bitch, Let's go"  but the film has a sense of humor, there are some good one liners like "Whatever you do, don't eat the fuckin' candy", Will Ferrell was one of the producers but don't worry there's no shake & bake going on. 

Great action with plenty of (if strangely existing) heavy weaponry.

Some of the critics have slated the leads but even though Janssen & the underused  Stormare steal the show, Renner and Arterton do play their parts pretty well. 

Turdige: Definitely style over substance in a big way but so was Avatar and that was Oscar nominated.  Hollywood should give up on the 3D gimmick, its crap.  If I want to see 3D I'll walk around outside in real life for a couple of hours, give us back 2D and spend the money on some better editing.  

"What is it", "It looks like a giant cock & balls"

That's what lets this down for me, you can over look a lot of problems (story - With twist that if you don't see coming your brain needs corrective surgery, Over CGI, grip on reality - Gatling gun in medieval times) but jumping around too much with no linking scenes is annoying (A bit like the no linking of the paragraphs in this review).  I blame finishing the film off with 3D CGI, messy business and probably with Renner being only slightly less busy than Ryan Gosling they couldn't film any.  

There's also a lot of posing with big guns.... pointless. 

Overall:   Vastly more enjoyable than the misery fest  Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) .  I almost gave it an 8...  but I didn't.

Director: Tommy Wirkola Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Pihla Viitala, Peter Stormare






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IRON MAN 3 NEWS, COMPLAINTS & GENERAL MOANING

IRON MAN 3

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After the unexpected mega success of Iron Man (2008), lets face it without that The Avengers (2012) would never have been green lit for production.  

The overall turdness of  Iron man 2 (2010) was a big  let down so we are looking for a big improvement this time round. 

The signs are good, trailer looks smart but don't they all.  Shane Black Directing: (Lethal Weapon (1987) The Last Boy Scout (1991) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) ) So we can expect Shit loads of action and snappy dialog  (He may have had writing credit on IM2 but we will forget that) 

I Hate Iron Man

Guy Pearce & Ben Kingsley taking up the bad guy mantel  the acting level has been knocked up a notch, so Jr doesn't have to hold the fort on his own.  

Shows that the Type of villain is important with the 1st film you had Obadiah Stane who, even though the continuity had been changed, had a huge  story arc in the comic with one of the greatest ever Iron man stories ending with the Iron Monger battle in #200.  (Which I hope isn't worth any money as I dropped it in the toilet when I was a kid).  It helped that Jeff Bridges is a fucking great actor as well.  

Iron man 2 had a bloke with whip's, forget about it, it did have War Machine

This time round there's the Mandarin, basically Iron Mans Arch Nemesis (Fin Fan Foom is that's too daft a name for cinema) this means 100s of stories & years of character development available to write a convincing script around.  So roll on May (or April 26 as it has been reported to be released in UK week early???).

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MOVIE NEWS, COMPLAINTS & GENERAL MOANING

The laziness of Hollywood

So the Hollywood default button has been pressed & JJ.Abrams will direct the new Star Wars Episode VII.

Should anyone really complain about this as he is the most imaginative and creative Alist director of the moment.  Well unfortunately the moment doesn't last, you only have to look at George Lucas for that.  

 


With the might of Disney behind him Abrams will have more money to play with than your average middle eastern dictator, but he may not be able to fully use it as he would like.  He can have all the complete creative control clauses in his contract he likes (I'm sure that is why he's taken his time confirming and even publicly rejecting the offer last year) but this is Disney and you don't fuck with Mickeys brand.  
 I wouldn't be suprised to see him leave the "Project" early (He will take millions from them whatever the outcome so its Win/Win really)


I'm in no doubt we wont be bored shitless with trade embargoes and senate hearings like the appalling Phantom Menace and Star Trek was an awesome film.  

There are some things to consider. 

Although Star Trek was great it managed this from (lets face it) a brilliant move, to completely write off 40 years of Star trek by re-writing its history.  Time travel had been used frequently in the franchise but with one swift (Opening credits) move he made it possible to restart from scratch (Obviously with some boundaries). Virtually destroying the federation especially the Vulcan's and changing the dynamic between Kirk & Spock.  It was more than a reboot it was a recreation.  Errr it did also have a great story and cast as well I suppose.



With Star Wars VII he will not be able to just tweak already very established/well known characters he will truly have to start from scratch as we assume it will be set decades after Jedi so new characters will have to be created for the new range toys plus a long drawn out good Vs evil saga.    However with the new characters he will have to keep the feel of a Star Wars film.


Star Trek worked the first time but the true test will be  Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) it may just turn back to the same old shit.  This seems to have happened with James bond after a successful reboot with Casino Royale (2006) we had to put up with the dreadful Quantum of Solace (2008) and I may be on my own with this as it was the most successful film of 2012 but by the end of Skyfall (2012) we may as well be back in the 60s, the pointless banter with moneypenny, dodgy villains with blonde wigs and the new/old M. 

On a personal level I hated Mission: Impossible III (2006) it was pants.  I much preferred Ghost Protocol (2011) which he may have been involved with (producer) but he didn't Direct.  It seems he is still tied up with both the Star Trek & Mission Impossible franchises, even if this is to a lesser extent it will be at the same time 2014/15. 

Millennium Falcon Farts are deadly

Should Hollywood have given its golden goose to someone with this much work on his table.  Would it not have been better to choose someone who could invest their whole time building a new legacy. (As we know at the end of Jedi, the Empire had been defeated the Sith were dead leaving an army of clones with no leadership).  

He may be hollywoods golden boy but this doesn't guarantee success.  We've seen when shit like this goes wrong before look at when Andre Villas-Boas took over Chelsea or when Fernando Torres moved to Chelsea, oh wait that's football, how about when John Woo took over the Mission Impossible mantel.       

Its easy to slag of a choice but who should it have gone to.  To be honest Fuck knows, Ben Afflecks name was mentioned and although it makes me vomit a little when Ben Affleck & Star Wars is mentioned there is no doubt he has developed into a very good Director.  

Duncan Jones Moon (2009) was also in the frame (allegedly) but I think Guillermo del Toro was a good shout (He didn't want it but is that because they said "Do one.  We don't want any clock work shit in this movie").  Perhaps its time to hand over to a totally new generation to go down the Halo - Mass Effect route and leave it in their messed up hands (These are now the biggest franchises on the planet).  Ah forget it can't wait it will be awesome.

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IT'S A TRAP

Mindhunters (2004)

Plot: FBI profilers (Mindhunters) in training, obvious leader J.D. (Christian Slater), Cocky Lucas (Jonny Lee Miller), Sara (Kathryn Morris) and others are taken, by harsh, maverick style instructor Jake (Val Kilmer), to a training Island with its own deserted town, Utility works (where most of the action takes place).  The plan is to profile & catch a mock serial killer known as The Puppetmaster loose in the town. 

The team are made instantly uneasy by the addition of Gabe (LL Cool J) who gives them little information.  So my the time they reach the island conspiracy theories about his inclusion are rife this isn’t helped by the major mind fuck of intricate traps & tasks with fatal consequences picking of the Mindhunters one by one in increasingly ingenious ways. 

Extreme puppeteering

The fingers point in all directions, they get more & more paranoid.  They’re all profilers so they make assumptions about everything that happens, continually leading them to different suspects.  Early contenders are newbie Gabe or Jake but this is no training game.

Every attempt to call for help or escape the island leads to another trap

How well do they really know each other? can they really trust anyone? 

Cool laser blasters. Must have missed that bit

Is it good:  It’s pretty good.  Much better than the 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, that's harsh (It’s at least average tomato men) The cast has established actors Kilmer, Slater, Miller and Mama said knock you out if it isn’t LL Cool J. 

The film flows well and with a fair amount of action & tension to keep anyone entertained and there are enough twists, I genuinely couldn’t work out who was doing what till towards the end, which is rare and appreciated (Usually if a film does this it gives you no clues or brings in someone you’ve never seen before till the end).

Guy at the back Farted awkward.

Turdige: Although the acting is good the characters are very formulaic with obvious blatant, shout out, flaws that will be used against them (Caffeine, cigarettes, water) .   The cast outweighs the film really Kilmer & Slater are criminally underused Renny Harlin made Deep Blue Sea if that’s not too much of a clue why.  If you can get past the ridiculous opening trap/death on the Island (Just fuckin move dick head).

Overall:   More of a TV movie than Hollywood blockbuster but a descent stab at a mystery thriller with a nice serial killer twist, kind of like a TV lite SAW.  

Director: Renny Harlin Cast: Val Kilmer, LL Cool J, Christian Slater, Jonny Lee Miller, Kathryn Morris, Patricia Velásquez

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GODDAMN SHIT SUCKING VAMPIRES

Look into my eyes

Why does nobody love me

Vampires; desperately need a Re-Vamp (PTP) after being brutally dry B.F'd by the (talc) Twilight bullshit.  How do you make the most vicious supernatural killing machine in history camp, make it sparkle, like putting Satan in a Tutu.  
I’m sure they will bounce back though, Vampire  stories have been terrifying people for thousands of years, in almost every civilisation there has been some form of blood sucking demon.   Bram Stokers Dracula  gave people the blue print for the Vampire, and 2 movies based on the text gave the look.  Bela Lugosi in Dracula (1931) is the classic Vampire look everybody defaults too in all kinds of movies, Halloween parties, cartoons pretty much everywhere and Nosferatu (1922) (Obviously based on Dracula but denied/names changed to avoid legal action) gave us a more demonic/animalistic look (most notably fangs) used in films like 30 Days of Night (2007) & when vampires in movies mutate or errrrr flip out.

Vampire films have always been around from the early 1900s cinema Vampire of the Coast (1909) is credited as the first, The Vampire's Trail (1910) was another of many early Vampire films.
 The long series of Hammer films throughout the 60s/70s which I grew up watching endless repeats of in the 80s, with Christopher Lee taking up the classic Dracula look, but adding the missing fangs, first in Dracula (1958) Dracula gets remade once a generation (so we are probably due another one) Francis Ford Coppola’s filmed a terrific version in the 90s. 


 Also in the 90’s Anne Rice was convinced Tom Cruise would ruin her Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), in the end it was alright but the end summed that whole movie up for me, Christian Slater is listening to the interview on his car stereo & Cruise pops up in the back saying “he always was a moaning fucker” (or something like that, perhaps not a direct quote) That’s exactly right it was Brad Pitt moaning “oh no I’m immortal super powerful good looking fucker boo hoo”, for 2 hours.

If Only

I see she said fuck all about Queen of the Damned (2002) but then she probably didn’t watch it like everyone else (Apart from me, anyone want to buy it, 50p VHS).


People have also associate vampires as a romantic fantasy as in gothic horrors and the fuck awful Twighlight series but also “sexy time”, from the weird Lesbian sub-genres of Hammers Karnstein Trilogy, to the goddamn awesome nakedness of Mathilda May in Tobe (Texas Chain Saw Massacre) Hoopers Lifeforce (1985) & of course the Vampire slaying Buffy.  Also women seem to like these dead blokes too (bloody necrophiliac’s).

                                       

Pink eye

 Vampire comedies sometimes worked from The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) to  Love at First Bite (1979), Once Bitten (1985) and the not at all funny Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), there were those that took it a step up  Fright Night (1985), The Lost Boys (1987) & From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) mixed action, horror & comedy creating something really cool. 
Different takes on the Vampire turn up every now and then, like when Nic cage wasn’t a useless A list Muppet he overacted impressively in  Vampire's Kiss (1989) a movie in the same vain as Martin (1976) are they Vampires or just deluded mencs.
                                                                                                                                                                          

You wanna see me sparkle bitch

The rules are if you want to make a great film either employ Bill Paxton or Lance Henriksen, if you want to make it fucking perfect cast them together like in Aliens, Terminator and of course Near Dark (1987) a hardcore vampire film that showed vampires as vicious nasty twats rather than romantic Gothic cheese fucks, like the more animalistic viciousness of 30 Days of Night (2007)  

 

Strangely the Vampire killer, in the a lot of these movies, even though they had a pivotal role and really should be the hero were kind usually bland forgettable characters & almost classed as the bad guys who disposed of the more interesting focus of the movie.   Van Helsing was the classic nemesis of Dracula, he was alright, eventually getting his own movie. Van Helsing (2004)





 

Slay me Please

The frog brothers from Lost Boys showed that the Vampire killers could possibly carry a film & Joss Wheton turned cheerleader Buffy into a vampire slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992).  The film & later TV series proved.  Yes, the vampires didn’t have to be the focus of the film & that I could keep Kleenex in business.  Later Blade (1998) took Marvels little known Vampire slaying superhero to the world but apart from the opening scene it was a little weak, Guillermo del Toro ramped this up with Blade II (2002) a much better film.   Del Toro’s earlier vampire movie Cronos (1993) had a interesting take on the Vampire myth with the mainstay of the movie being a vampyiric device that infected people.

                                                                                                                                                                     

In recent years Let the Right One In (2008) and its unusually, not at all bad, American remake has shown you can still put an interesting spin on the vampire story. 



                                                                                                                                                                     

Blue steel

The Asian film maker have been doing  kung Fu horror films for decades but it really kicked in with , Sammo Hungs Encounters of the Spooky Kind (1980), this kind of film was perfected in  without a doubt the greatest Vampire movie of all time is Mr. Vampire (1985) what more could you want than a vampire ghost kung fu horror comedy.  It took a time for Hollywood to catch up but as always they did with the already mentioned Blade & Buffy/Angel franchises employing martial arts skills into there heroes, this may have gone to far with the pretty ok but with terrible sequels Underworld (2003) and the appalling Ultraviolet (2006).
So heres some reviews of vampire films you may not have heard of....  

Sort of good guy vamps

             (2010)

Chinese jumping Vampires awesome

                                                                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                           


                           
                                                                                                                                                                      

Got Vampires Who you gonna call. Fuck Blade

                                                                                                                                                        

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