V/H/S 2 (2013) Film Review

V/H/S 2 (2013)

 

Plot:   Tape 49– A pair of dodgy private eye’s break into a rundown house searching for a missing student only to find TVs playing static & a shit load of VHS tapes stacked everywhere it looks like about half my porn collection from the 90s. 
The P.I’s think there be clues and while Mr P.I goes off in the dark to search for errr someone to kill him I think, Mrs P.I scopes out some old school video entertainment.



Phase I Clinical Trials – Bloke gets free bionic eye if he agrees to the data being recorded & uploaded.  His concern is scientists watching him taking a dump.  Turns out that’s not his only problem the eye is tuned into the frequency of the dead & these angry sprits also want to watch him take a dump.    


A Ride in the Park – Bloke takes time out from a sickeningly romantic relationship to run a mountain bike trail through the woods, hitting a zombie outbreak & finally making his way through the trials & tribulations of zombification.   

Alright I'll go & do all the work you just watch TV, Lazy bitch

Safe Haven – Under cover jurno’s convince a local cult leader to allow them access to film inside his facility.  Hoping to uncover proof of child abuse & brain washing they find a whole shitload more within this demon worshiping badass cult that’s only slightly less creepy than Scientology.  

Slumber Party Alien Abduction – Irritating kids attempt jackass style pranks on their older sister and her boy/friends while their parents are away.  Luckily a passing group of, I can only assume, intergalactic babysitters turn up to put an end to the tomfoolery before someone gets hurt. 


 Is it good:  Yes, I enjoyed the set up of the original V/H/S stumbling on seemingly supernatural snuff & found footage tapes.  

Horror shorts can sometimes bring fresh ideas that maybe wouldn’t get the funding for a major feature and the horror genre is perfect for this format.

Barry Chuckle gets Pink eye

There is a lot to be said for shorter more impact driven horrors, straight in, shit you up, leave you wanting more. 



Found footage films are great but they do suffer with the - why the hell are they still filming syndrome.  Ridiculous excuses like in Evidence (2011) “I’m making a documentary about my mates first camping trip” & even when he snuffs it “carry on filming we must document everything” & Chronicle (2012) Stop filming ballbag (I’m not filming but I’ve met a girl that also films everything).  

  In the case of Area 407 (2012) just throw the camera at the dinosaur it may buy you an extra 30 seconds of life.  

When you don’t have to question the documentation, like with Paranormal activity (2007), Apartment 143 (2011) & Ghostencounters (2011), it adds some credibility to the film.  In those films the people are there to film everything and actively search for what they are filming even if it terrifies them.  

Kinky nightmare fantasy

This collection works that premise by having some inventive ways to keep filming without you questioning “why would they”.  Phase 1 has a recording eye, A Ride in the Park has a fixed head cam to film the bike ride, Safe Haven, reporters trying to uncover a story, even S.P.A.A has the dog cam.

It does open up the question what is obviously digital filmed technology doing on VHS tapes but it seems the old magnetic tape (like in The Ring (2002)) has a supernatural power

These aren’t debut film makers so we shouldn’t ignore the bad either.

 

Tape 49 
Good: The segway piece is slightly creepy and a bit more fleshed out than the original stating the videos have a power or an infection when viewed.  Nice ending a  bit of gore  & a kind of comedy feel that finishes it off quite nicely.

Turdige: A bit of the annoying let’s at every opportunity split up in this creepy dark house that may not be empty as it has TVs still switched on.

Overall: 5/10

Phase I Clinical Trials 
The Good: A new take on the White Noise (2005) kind of premise, initially did creep me out.  The claustrophobic limited location & the scare techniques used if you follow the horror movie watching Rules it would fuck anyone up.

Tom Cruise goes back on Oprah 

Turdige: Being schizo I have to say it lost that initial scare factor because it relied on the old loud noises & bloke standing in the corner fear factor throughout this is killer at first but wears off quickly if used repeatedly.  They needed to build up to something else & the pool bit was lame.  Plus it would have been good to flesh it out with the scientists actually doing it to film the dead but its only 20+ mins long 

Overall:  Initially very effective but when it built up to an end the impact lessened.  Saying that the very end isn’t bad. 7/10

A Ride in the Park –
The Good: Nice to see a short intro & straight into the biting, pretty much an extended one off scene from a zombie flick (barbeque attack it could be called) loved the little novice zombie touched like trying his own flesh & most of all it was fun (well fun in a morally incredibly depressing way, just the way I like it) 

Turdige: It bugs me when you read reviews of zombie prospective movies you hear its unique, so inventive, please watch some fucking movies.  Colin (2008) – (can’t blame you for not seeing a £40 youtube movie) but Wasting Away (2007) I, Zombie: (1998) The Return of the Living Dead films from the 80s especially Melinda Clarke's tit-tastic performance in part III, maybe more I haven’t seen before.  It’s been done before I can assure you.  To be fair that’s not an argument against this film theres not much wrong with it, some lacklustre zombie fighting that’s all.

Overall: 7/10 Nice effects & a pretty good ending but just an interlude to the awesomeness of....

Safe Haven –

My Ex scrubs up well

The Good: I loved this mini film it is a cut above everything here & pretty much every horror I’ve seen this year.  A brilliantly shot, mini masterpiece, that paces itself brilliantly from the investigative reporters slow steady build up to the introduction of the creepy brainwashed cult members and the unstable psychotic leader.  Even the little touches like a girl almost dropping the leader in it but being shut up make it feel just like a genuine documentary piece.  Until it suddenly goes tits up mental

Then knocking it up a notch and some with brtutal gore that was at times awesome.  It was only after watching I found out it was made by the director of The Raid (2011) Gareth Evans, it’s obviously not to that level but his quality shows the guy knows how to make an impact.  At times I felt like I was drawn into a 1^st person shooter but not in a terrible Doom (2005) way.

Turdige: Only the Billy goat gruff was a bit on the Buffy side of cheesy. 

Overall: I’ve sucked up to this film enough.  It was alright. 10/10

Slumber Party Alien Abduction –
The Good: Great title. For what it is, the acting is spot on the kids do a great job in what’s a pretty poor final tape it creates a good set up and the sudden change to the which involves very loud noises which as usual are initially very creepy.    

I am cornholio i need T.P. for my bumhole

Turdige: It’s more like a home invasion movie than an alien abduction far too noisy.  There’s no beaming people up just chasing with wavy, skinny arms.  It doesn’t make much sense, especially why they end up in the water???  

Overall: Noisy but eventful, some will like but to me a letdown after the last vid.  6/10


Over-Overall:   That’s a long review hope you didn’t get bored (who am I kidding no one is reading this shit).  Ignore the above, let’s go with ITS GREAT WATCH IT if not just Fast Forward to Safe Haven.

Directors: Simon Barrett, Adam Wingard, Eduardo Sanchez, Gregg Hale, Timo Tjahjanto, Gareth Huw Evans and Jason Eisene Some Cast: Kelsy Abbott ,Hannah Al Rashid, Fachry Albar, Oka Antara, L.C. Holt, Devon Brookshire,Kevin Hunt, Hannah Hughes, Mindy Robinson








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INBRED BACKWATER & MUTATED CANNIBAL KILLER MOVIES

God save America

Whether its Leatherface & his human flesh loving family or the Nutcase Hillbillies of the Yorkshire Dales, try and visit the middle of nowhere & your guaranteed to bump into them.  If your lucky you will be the sole survivor and make it as far as the first scene of the sequel.  

 

Ive learned a lot from these films

Don't upset the locals

Run as soon as you hear "Your not from round these parts" 

If a local warns you about a place DON'T GO NEAR IT"

The ugly triplet

While your running look down so you don't fall over.

If you do fall over don't lie on the floor turn round slowly & watch as the person gets closer, Just get up & run.

Don't trust the police

Don't trust seemingly nice people

Don't trust scantly clad women who want to lure you back to an abandoned house (Err Impossible sorry)

In-fact don't trust anyone (Apart from Tucker & Dale)

Forget it just stay at home in bed

but most accidents happen in your own home & your more likely to be killed by someone you know - Fuck you can't win.

Some people hate this kind of film they will tell you all the films are the same (To be fair quite a few are but only in the same way romantic comedies are all the same) 

They are idiots, the genres has its classics & its still going strong even if its usually at the low, low, low budget end. 

Basically mate you're fucked

 Some of the early films such as Spider Baby & Two Thousand Maniacs both (1964) showed the way, The Wicker Man (1973) showed the Brits could mental it up just as well & the classic Deliverance (1972) which took it from a more brutally realistic non moustachioed point of view.
The Genre was pretty much defined by two movies  The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) & The Hills Have Eyes (1977) 

Lets not dwell on the good or the bad lets see the UGLY

Feral Freaks 

            (2011)                          (2008)             

DARK COMEDY INBRED HILLBILLY HEAVEN

            (2011)

GENERAL HILLBILLY BASTARDS

Is that you PA

            (2007)                          (2010)      

Click to See This & More

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SHAKY CAMERA SHIT II (Free Movie)

The Speak (2011)

Plot: Ahh this just looks like a Grave Encounters rip off.  Film crew for a "final webisode" ghost show.  In guess what, a abandoned Hotel, well that is a bit different, Oh & it was used as a overflow mental asylum, there we go back on track.

Then "no way" 90s A-lister Tom Sizemore turns up (Black Hawk Down, Wyatt Earp, Saving Private Ryan, Natural Born Killers) and of course 00s drug addiction & celebrity Rehab, B list straight to DVD bollocks, but who cares this film is punching above its weight should be good hes the unhelpful hotel caretaker & Oh fuck hes gone that was quick.

Back to Grave Encounters then, the crew Host "Shelly", his brother "camera dude", girlfriend "producer "  sarcastic sound man & his gothy looking girlsoundwoman.  Plus Sexy Native American Medium Shaman babe all head to the most haunted hotel in town.  

The  Sexy Medium is worried, she feels bad things are afoot at the holiday In.  Shelly tells her its all bollocks don't worry here's an extra $$.  

Seance is called for, invoke the spirits, Wooooooo!! Sexy medium tries to leave but BANG door slams bricked up windows, can't get out luckily shes wearing really tight jeans, this doesn't help them with the Ghosts but it helped me get through the film.  Doors bang strobey lighting Ghostly girls and possession this is all kicking off.  Who will survive "found footage" er good guess.
 

I'm not a large I'm a ...

Is it good:  Not Really, The film starts off well enough, acting is ok, premise unoriginal but pretty much standard and easy to work if the content is there.  Dark & Moody inside, the set up is all there but...  

Turdige: That's were we get stuck there's not the build up of creepiness you get in Grave Encounters, which is fine if you get straight into it and there's enough to keep it going but there isn't.  The effects are not great (Other films have proven you can get scares on a tiny budget). 


Overall:   There is enough Creepiness in this film to make it worth watching (Especially if you live in a house with no doors because your terrified of them) but only just, a time passer really.


 
 

 Directed by Anthony Pierce. With Tom Sizemore, Kristina Anapau, Tina Casciani, Brett Donowho






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The Last Exorcism (2010)

Demons love Limbo

Plot: Cotton Marcus is a Evangelical Preacher (or Con artist as we say in the UK  Jim Bakker  still lives & send me your money)  That's enough of that without religion we wouldn't have Christmas (fuck me I hate Christmas).  Cotton has a side line as an exorcising demons for demented parents but searched his soul (that doesn't exist) has decided to come clean but in true evangelical style hes going to do it for a documentary film crew to rape out a few extra dollars.  





Cottons Father/Grandfather were exorcists  and he was born into the family business.  Showing the crew his props & tricks he explains how he justified it to himself that he has helped vulnerable people who may have been hurt by relatives due to there extreme beliefs but after reading about a fatal exorcism he has decided the truth must be told.  

Picking his Last Exorcism as hillbilly farmer Louis Sweetzer's supposedly possessed daughter Nell who has been uncontrollably violent & there have been animal deaths involved on the farm, he performs his usual tricks for the camera but when things go shit fuck nuts, he has to try & persuade the true believers shes mentally ill, being abused or himself that his crisis of faith is wrong and this shit is real.  

Fuck are you looking at

 
Is it good:  Yes, The films documentary style works extremely well coming across in a  realistic way along with believable acting especially from Cotton, who plays the charismatic preacher in a very true style.  The effect of the film draws you in to a story not relying on gore or dodgy CGI bollocks.  This adds to the creepy nature of the effects later in the film & leads to some genuine shock moments.  Louis also works well as the hillbilly fundamentalist father who will do anything to help his daughter even kill her????.  Nell too as the bemused & scared teenager who can turn from cute vulnerable kid to psycho nut fuck pretty seamlessly.  Loved it.

Turdige: Basically read any review & it will say the end, I have to agree, its a complete turn away and slightly for me a let down.  A friend of my liked it however and said the build up had to lead to something like that otherwise the film would be pointless.  I don't fully agree b I can see is point.

 
Overall:   The end did not spoil my enjoyment of the film,  the build up was far to well made for it to do that but it made it drop 2 points (Harsh). 
  
 
Director:Daniel Stamm Cast:Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell, Iris Bahr






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Haunted changi (2012)

Plot: Singapore has had a violent history, being a strategically important port in the Straits of Malacca one of the busiest waterways in the world.  It was pivot-able for both the allies and the Japanese during WWII to command.  So we have the hospital changi were many soldiers died, a huge amount of Locals, Chinese and British were tortured and beheaded.  The hospital has had many unexplained deaths since (People dieing in hospitals never).  So a bunch of students want to make a documentary about it gangnam style (Sorry that's Korean) - Grave Encounters style.  

They interview about a billion people, including one girl who mentions Malayan Vampire Ghosts (Sounds awesome) and spend about an hour filming the hospital during the day (which is pointless).  A door slams.  Wooooo.  The main guy spends some more time there that we don't see, meeting a Chinese squatter who stays in the Hospital, who he says he will interview.   Eventually they decide to film at night, they are joined by the the official Ghost hunters of Singapore (Now were getting somewhere) These fuckers have all the gear including a kid?  They say a child is pure & natural that his why they can detect the supernatural (sure, I think that was Gary Glitters defense when he was caught in Vietnam dirty buggers) They also have the spiel talking about hidden tunnels under the hospital that are the Yin/Yang - Life/Death portals.  

2 minutes later the kid runs out screaming  and the shit houses leg it, to be fair the kids scream was genuinely horrible and at that time there was a massive bang on my window so I also shit myself.  As it was 2am & I was on my own I had no were to run to so I grabbed a knife (Purley for self defense of course) & went to investigate.  

Don't remember this bit

There was nothing there to this day I don't know if Malayan Vampire Ghosts migrate this far north.  

This should have worked for me as I'm already shitting myself & this is what were waiting for running round a haunted abandoned hospital at night.  

 Is it good:  Not Great, The students speak English, not Malay which is a bonus.  Errr now I'm struggling.  The acting is ok, as its probably just improvised, some of the interviews are funny, the girl who saw killer ghosts ran and peed at the same time (made be laugh for some reason). The sound was effectively used, very dramatic giving a creepy feel but you do need something to happen or its wasted.   Give the makers some credit however this is an indie film by young film makers & it is well made its just the content that's lacking the atmosphere is there, they have potential






Turdige: Plenty.  Nothing really happened for the first half of the film, its just edited footage of a disused building being run around in.  Endless interviews and then back to the school to look at the footage (Woooo spooky shadows).  Then back, more running around. 
 
Overall:   I was bored nothing happened, there was an atmospere well set up by the film makers but they didn't go anywhere with it.  There were no scares & the end pay of to be wasn't worth it.  However it has an unbelievable 263,000 likes on FACEBOOK & other reviews rate it very highly (maybe I missed something read them HERE) I have been wrong before, it was a cold September day in 1998 we will never forget. 










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The Tunnel (2012)


Plot: The usual found footage set up mocumentry, but the footage was never been lost so I don’t know what you call it lets say “handed in footage” (well done created my own genre).  In the news room an up & coming jurno Natasha Warner (Bel Deliá) has been sleeping her way to the middle but wants a real story.  "Tough" her boss says can’t have one, so she tries to find something new.  A story breaking is that Sydney is drying up & needs water, so a huge underground lake is going to be tapped in the disused train & WWII tunnels.

The plan looks like it its being shelved , with stories of homeless people going missing (Not sure where they have gone missing from as they are homeless) they smell a story.  Trying to get in through the regular subway a security guard tells them to do one.  So it’s up to dirty jurno tactics and break in through the back entrance.  

I fuckin love Tunnels

She along with Tangles’(Luke Arnold), soundman, Steve (Steve Davis) cameraman & Peter (Andy Rodoreda) not sure maybe he’s the drummer.  The 4 of them go of to have a lovely adventure in the Tunnels, messing about pushing each other into the water & banging a giant WWII air raid bell all great fun & games (sensible if there’s something dodgy going on), 

Tangles’ hears some weird shit on the headphones (which through the magic of mocumentry we can here played back as a painful scream).  Shit happens all over the place, people go missing, ripped to pieces, eyes plucked out there’s some crazy (not really sure what it is could be a ghost, monster mutated hillbilly so Ive slipped it in the  supernatural section cut my losses) thing out there.  

The tunnels are a maze and the crew can’t get out, will they escape or will THEY become the news. (Nice).

 

Hello is that the police, My hairs a mess

Is it good:  Yes.  People write off found footage and shaky cam films too quickly there is some dross Area 407 & The Lost Coast Tapes (Bigfoot) - 2012

but there are some that capture the mood perfectly and are genuinely creepy.  The Ozzies have made some great horror movies over the last couple years wolf creek of course, storm warning the tazmanian thing loved ones.  The tunnels as with the descent create a feeling of claustrophobia that adds to the creepy atmosphere of impending doom, it drags you (well me) into the characters feeling of terror.    



 

Er I'm looking for Yvette Fielding

Turdige: The build up may be a little too long. Its a very low budget so they have had to edit as best they can.  Some may hate this style but then you should be watching something with Ryan Renolds & Jennifer Aniston where they bore us to death with a film containing both fuck & all.    (She is awesome though why do they never have romantic comedies about anal)
 



Overall:  A great film that creates an atmosphere & delivers shocks way above its limited budget.  Also this film (I hope) is in the public domain as it has been given away legally on Bittorrent so I’ve put the You-tube copy below.  If it’s not, please don’t sue I’ll change it from 8 to 10 (promise).



 
Director: Carlo Ledesma Cast: Luke Arnold, Bel Deliá, Andy Rodoreda, Goran D. Kleut, James Caitlin





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Full Movie - Free Version 

The Tunnel

Uploaded on Jan 28, 2012 *This movie is (Rated 14A). Completely free to share and watch. This movie was meant to be free for everyone.

YellowBrickRoad (2010)

Plot:  1940, the entire population of Friar, New Hampshire made a bizarre exodus, leaving behind all their belongings.  Soldiers are sent to find them.  They discover, frozen bodies and more disturbingly dismembered remains.  The whole event is surrounded in mystery and myth until declassified documents land in the hands of a group wanting to follow the path and discover why???

The documents mention endless music & growing insecurity and madness which they seem to dismiss even though a psychologist comes along to test their sanity along the road.

Finding the start of the trail with help from the only resident of the newly populated town willing to help they set out on a journey into the realms of madness.

           

Napalm these fuckin munchkins

Is it good:  Yes; another documentary style found footage horror? A lot of people do not like them (So don’t watch gimpo) I love them & hate them in equal measure but I can appreciate a good effort and this is one. 

The films strength is its ability to capture its audience in the hopelessness of the situation, that the explorers are believing, everything they had ridiculed at the start and tried to deny on the trail is occurring and eventually accepting the inevitability they will never escape.   It is the key factor in these types of film working well in horror films like room 1408 (2007) & Grave Encounters although YellowBrickRoad is not as good as those it does bring across well the feeling of hopelessness.          

The music sounded like 40s tunes mixed by JG Thirlwell or NIN I kind of liked it.

Worst festival EVER

The film has nice touches like simple “have you gone nuts yet” type deep pressure tests.

A very-very bleak atmosphere is created, with some decent gore effects and brutal moments.

Also the attempts to control the growing primal urge to kill is probably the best bit of acting, along with the bad berry trip. 

Turdige: The acting isn’t great even for a $½million budget, most of the characters are bland so you don’t really invest any time hoping for their survival.   The final end....  end... tried to be off the wall insanity but just came across craptastic.

Happy Pills

Although the gore was good there wasn’t enough to make the endless hide & seek scenes worthwhile. 

Overall:   Reminiscent of the even simpler (and better) Blair Witch Project (1998).  This trippy sometimes mind numbing horror has a good simple premise some nasty gore scenes and is worth a try but the music & the David Lynch ending may piss you off.   

Director: Jesse Holland, Andy Mitton Cast: Cassidy Freeman, Anessa Ramsey, Clark Freeman, Lee Wilkof.







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