my favorite year: Monster

The Bay (2012)

Plot: Chesapeake Bay, Maryland a smallish coastal town has a deep dark secret, every bodies dead but it must have been the town all the unpopular people go to live as it seems nobody has given one fuck about it for 3 years. So its up to our intrepid survivor/reporter Donna Thompson (Kether Donohue) to break this shit wide open, she was there man, she knows. The Government confiscate all video footage from every source possible she's telling me (well apart from all this stuff your showing me, daft bint). The Government didn't want you to see this (Well fuck the government they don tell me what to do... I'm watching it)

Shit I Should have used a condom

Its tourist season & there's a festival is going on, it should be all smiles & candy but people are getting sick, the stuff your face crab eating contest is a washout of vomit. People are coming out in boils and Lesions, the hospital is becoming overrun with cases so the chief doc rings the CDC who are as fucking useless as pretty much every other call center in the world.

Her news report film is inter-cut with other news/scientist/eco warrior & personal films showing millions of dead fish clips from the hospital showing the effects & police footage showing people going nuts. Surprisingly the major doesn't seem to give a shit

Can the CDC help, will they isolate the cause and help the people or will they say
"take off and nuke the entire site from orbit" "only way to be sure".

Open up and say Ahhh

Is it good: Yes, What does a director of some of the most acclaimed movies of the 80s/90s (Tin men, Rain man, Good Morning, Vietnam, The Natural, Sleepers, Wag the Dog) do when things start to dry up, he joins with the producers of Paranormal Activity (2007) & Insidious (2010) to make a thinking mans found footage film about super chicken shit powered parasites, of course. Sorry "thinking mans" may be a stretch but its a pretty effective horror/thriller cover up story.

The science behind it is nicely worked I first heard of the cymothoa (tongue eating parasite) on QI (UK.TV), not as quite on the level of the Candiru but up there. It sounds unbelievable that such a thing could exist, so taking it a stage further is less of a stretch than you would think. With all the talk of steroids in the bay mutating the Isopods it wouldn't surprise me if bouncers are shooting up chicken shit soon!!
Most films are recorded in the found footage style because its cheaper, however this is not one of those low budget films, there is an extensive cast, locations, vehicles, make up effects basically a proper film but done in a cut documentary style.

The escalation of the effects are great the whole film is more or less set over one day and by the end people are chewed up tongues eaten limbs amputated. Great stuff

Hello

Turdige: The film goes a bit far with its "we haven't got clue" how this happened, throwing in nuclear leaks at one point. Also the part with the, oblivious to it all, couple & baby retuning from a boat trip (obviously filming everything) walking around the half eaten corpses with their child should have been cut it was just annoying that it existed (Although it does provide one of the biggest scares). It should have stuck with the parasites instead of occasionally having clips were they seem like Piranhas.

Overall: If you hate found footage then maybe you should take the governments advice and not watch

If you don't hate or don't particularly give it a go its well worth 1.3 hours of your life. Thinking about conspiracies this ecological disaster movie may just have been funded by Evian to put you off tap water. (David Icke told me)

Director: Barry Levinson Cast: Kristen Connolly, Kether Donohue, Jane McNeill, Christopher Denham

UK_Release18/03/2013 USA_Rent$3.99_

Bug (2006)

Plot: Agnes (Ashley Judd) is a mess, living in a scruffy motel, indulging in drink and drugs worried about her abusive ex Jerry (Harry Connick Jr) who has just been released from prison.

Things aren’t exactly going well but they get a fuck load worse when she's introduced to Peter (Michael Shannon) a seemingly nice timid guy who makes her feel wanted again. Giving all her trust to him until he draws her into a Bug infested world of madness.

I found a fucking pube

Is it good: Yes, William Friedkin the legend behind the Exorcist (1973) hasn’t had a mention in a while but he proves with Bug that he can still get in your head. Not a conventional horror more a drug induced sub Cronenberg flick.

Ashley Judd shows has always been damn good, criminally underrated actress with nipples that could cut glass & they make a much appreciated appearance.
She is damaged and susceptible to abuse, agreeing it’s her fault when her ex returns and beats her. Which could be a contributing factor to being overcome by the errr bugginess of life.

That escalated quickly

It’s open to interpretation, what it’s all about, whether he is a veteran that has been experimented on, or just a schizophrenic with an infections personality, or as I think bug is just a metaphor for & effect of the crack or meth they seem to be on. It would explain there deterioration, paranoia and alienation from others while relying just on each other drawn into their own world. I am probably completely wrong but I’m happy not to know just like I never knew what the fuck Cronenberg or Lynch were doing.

As with the Exorcist the claustrophobic intensity a single room film gives is what Friedkin does best.

Also there is a nice touch of gore mostly self inflicted.

De-bugged

Turdige: The doctor/whatever?? was bit of a weak link not convincing as, well, anything. Not much else maybe could have done with a bit more blood & nipples but that’s what rewind & freeze-frame were invented for.

Overall:   Great acting and atmosphere for a limited location film. Hot sweaty claustrophobic felt difficult to breathe just watching it.   An excellent descent into madness film that really draws you in to the world of the mind fucked.

Director: William Friedkin Cast: Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon, Harry Connick Jr, Lynn Collins, Brían F. O'Byrne

UK_DVD USA_Buy/Rent$1.99

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BOOKS

Bait (2012)

3D was not invented for this film to abuse

Plot: Jaws was a brilliant film but Spielberg missed one trick, set it in a supermarket, how much better would that be. Now we need dream no longer because of Bait the Gold Coast masterpiece dragging sharks where they belong, into the shops.

Lets not jump ahead of ourselves though the plot is set way back when Josh (Cheesy fucktard who may or may not have been in none one or all of the Twilight films) , shit faced from his bachelor party he couldn't do his job as a Lifeguard properly and save, best man, Rory from getting fucked up by a Great White, stay with me here, Tina, Josh's girlfriend is also Rory'd sister and due to the guilt hes driven her away (To Singapore) and ended up staking shelves in a supermarket. After a few years Tina returns and decides to buy some shit from his shop, coincidentally at the same time as a botched robbery by Victor Von Doom from Nip/Tuck and a surprise Tsunami takes place, bad luck does come in 3's.

Sharks are bad. Yes

Poor Josh, he should have moved further inland, or to Grimsby because if he won't go to the sharks they will come to him. Scraping up the survivors of the Tsunami, getting themselves together to escape the slowly flooding shop they're thinking the worst is over when up pops a 12 foot Great White, and its pissed off I think it usually shops at waitrose not this dump.
So its up to Josh to kill the fish sort out the psycho gunman save his ex-girlfriend, sneakily off the Asian dude she's with but without making it look dodgy and swim them all to safety. EASY.
.

Blatant excuse to show a wet chick

Is it good: Yes. Not brilliant but good fun (granted some of it unintentional). Stick with it as the first 5 minutes in the sea has the worst special effects of the film I nearly switched it off but it gets better. Bonus, it has the very sexy Phoebe Tonkin as Jamie who looks great in anything especially a lot of water. The acting is basic but it is better than Neighbours and Tina (Sharni Vinson) has a very strange accent Austerican who knows. The Tsunami effects are hit and miss in a very short space of time, a flying propeller in the face (the good) a bloke running down to the underground carpark just dives head first into the floor beating the CGI wave (the bad) but all that shit combines to make a great little action movie. The deep sea trolly/basket Iron man outfit was a fantastic invention. Plus its always good to have a psychopath in the mix as well even it hes probably the worst actor.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back shopping

Turdige: For such a ridiculous premise it would have been better taking the Tremors/Piranha 3D approach and used more humor, as it couldn't be as suspenseful or action packed as say Deep Blue Sea (1999) as it didn't have the budget. It should have made more of what it did have. Unlike most films you do wish there was less of a story as its almost impossible to give a fuck about Josh and his ex-girlfriend and her pretty detached relationship with the Asian dude oh your dead fuck it. Or Jaimie and her messed up relationship with her cop father, or why Dr Doom got talked into doing this movie in OZ let alone why hes talked into a robbery by the dildo he robs the store with.

I wanna be ur friend

Overall: As shark films go this is much better than those two gimps bobbing around in Open Water (2003). Although the premise may be only one step away from Sharktopus (2010) its all the better for it, Low expectations are definitely required. I expected the CGI to be like a turd in a bathtub (Especially after the first 5 mins) but it was way better. If the movie had have taken itself a bit less seriously it could have been a contender.