REVENGE MOVIES

 Recoil (2011)

Mate, someones nicked your door

Plot: When stranger Ryan Varrett (Stone Cold Steve Austin) turns up in, dead end, town Hope he brings a whole shit load of trouble with him.  He's looking for revenge and he will take out anyone who gets in his way.  

Next on the list is psycho biker shit Drayke Salgado  (Danny Trejo) but he may have to go through Draykes whole gang to get him. 
 
Draykes must have done something seriously bad to piss him off this much, perhaps he stole his facial expressions.  

The Gang "The Circle" (wank name) own the Sheriff and run the town but a few people are willing to stand up to them, joining old Stone face, hotel owner Darcy (Serinda Swan)  & mechanic Kirby (Patrick Gilmore), but in doing so put themselves in danger.  

He may have taken on too much this time or does he have a death Wish not really giving a shit.

I Just want a hug

Is it good:  Its Ok, Kind of like a low rent Punisher knock off, maybe jumping on the back of the Rocks revenge flick Faster (2010) and adding in a touch of, Sons of Anarchy.  Ryan Varrettis certainly no Punisher but he does have a hard as fuck attitude that makes you believe he could kill people without too much bother.a descent revenge flick.  

Serinda Swan is very sexy but you ain't going to see much.  


Turdige: Stone Cold, just like Steven Segal in the 80s, is a big man unfortunately actors are quite small, so fighting the extras is fine but when it comes to the main bad guy its difficult to find someone big enough.  Segals best film Under Siege (1992) the big thing that let it down was Tommy Lee Jones (great bad guy all the way through until he faced Segal and he was about a foot smaller).  The same with the similar craggy faced Trejo, hes just too small to be the end bad guy against the jolly white giant.  Also the roshambo style ending was just daft. 

Total Recoil

I think Stone Cold is just too slow to do the mass fight scenes fighting 10 people at a time that's for Van Damn I think he should have stuck to taking them out one on one like he did at the start of the film.

 
Overall:   Not a bad film for a few beers on a Sunday afternoon but I wouldn't base your weekend around seeing it.  (As if you would).

 

 Director: Terry Miles. Cast: Danny Trejo, Steve Austin, Serinda Swan, Patrick Gilmore, Noel Gugliemi
  



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Return of the Dolph

Stash House (2012)

Plot: David (Sean Faris) has just bought his wife Emma (Briana Evigan) a huge house for her birthday (Ah fuck it then rich bastards hope they get killed).  He got the house cheap though, due to it being repossessed after the previous owner blew his brains out in a confessional.  However it doesn't seem such a steal when a slight, shagging related, accident uncovers a false wall with millions of dollars worth of heroin hidden.   

Not too bad in itself but the discovery prompts Andy (Dolph Lundgren) to turn up (the last thing you need on your first night are washed up 80s action stars turning up).  Him and his fellow hired goon/assassin Ray (Jon Huertas) want in and they have the shit loads of fire power to do it.  

Fe Fi Fo Fum 

The couple look fucked but hold on the house is a fortress with CCTV steel shutters and loads of other shit, seems old Dave didn't seem to question the reasons behind all the house defenses when he bought the thing.

Are they after the drugs or does the house hold other secrets within, 
 

Nerd

Is it good:  Its Ok, a bit of a return to form for a very haggard looking Dolph Lundgren, the action when it turns up is exciting enough and the pace it keeps, holds your interest long enough along with the little twists in the story they make for a entertaining film.  Lundgren steals the show with a villainous performance up there with his GR13 in Universal Soldier (1992) all actors fair well.  Joel Silver is involved in this somewhere it does have some credentials.

Turdige: Although there are a few twists the story is pretty basic.  Even though I say the acting is good this is based on me appreciating there limitations to so don't expect Pacino & DeNiro you get what you paid for and I paid for Dolph to mumble his way through this film.  If you can put up with grenades being used in a residential area without the SWAT turning up in 5 minutes then give it a go.  
 
Overall:   A kind of hit for the hit & miss production company After Dark.  The action parts are great the rest is pretty forgettable.  

Director: Eduardo Rodriguez Cast: Briana Evigan, Sean Faris, Dolph Lundgren, Jon Huertas





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I'm in this movie

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Prison Fight movies - Forced to fight

Undisputed II: Last Man Standing (2006): 

"Wake up Ref"

Plot:   George "Iceman" Chambers (Michael Jai White) has lost any humility gained from his 1st stretch.  Wesley Snipes Undisputed (2002) humbled him slightly but he’s back to being jonny big bollocks in this straight to DVD follow up.  Set up by corrupt officials on a bogus drugs charge he ends up in a, fuck the Geneva convention type, Russian prison.

Inside, unsurprisingly it turns out there are illegal fights set up by the Warden with gangsters & the warden has his own undisputed champion Yuri (Scott Adkins).   Promising an early release if he fights, Ice smells a twat and refuses unfortunately this place is only covered in crap and not the European court of human rights, so he takes a few kickin’s but on the bright side he gets a cage with its own open sewer, this kind of changes his mind, so the inevitable fight is set with the indestructible  Yuri. 

Ninja wheelchair assassin

An old wizened ex Special Forces cripple (I don’t mean he was in some kind of elite wheelchair division), helps him out. 

Crot (Eli Danker) teaches him to fight like a bastard, traditional boxing won’t cut it in the new millennium.  In this prison Ice is no longer fighting for his reputation but for his freedom & his life.

Is it good: Yes,  Undisputed was a great, stylish fight film, from action movie master Walter Hill. This time new director Isaac Florentine knocks it up a notch creating an 80s style action movie with Mixed Martial Arts thrown in for the kids.  Obviously it’s not the mixed martial Arts you see on TV were two blokes roll around of the floor 69ing each other for 20 mins that would be poo. 

"This says your fucked mate"

Michael Jai White is a proper muscle face I had only ever seen him in that turkey fuck of a movie Spawn (Remake films like that shit not Spiderman) after watching this I’ve picked up a few action movies he’s done and they’re not half bad. 

Scott Adkins is good, damn good but unfortunately a man born out of time.  In the 80s he could have been an action star but hes 25 years too late now its all direct-to-DVD/TV for true action movies (Not Hollywood bollocks like Never Back Down (2008)) .  Weirdly he always seems to play a Russian.  

The fight scenes between the two are spot on, the moves and choreography make in the fight scenes are a cut above the level in straight to DVD.  

Stylish & well filmed, the prison location working much better as a backdrop than say in Van Damns InHell (2006).  Also the acting is a cut above your Segal or Van Damn direct-to-DVD/TV efforts even with the dodgy Russian accents, the superior fight scenes cover up any imperfections.

The ending even had a bit of heart Awwwwww!!!

Surely floating is against the rules

Turdige:The plot is basic and predictable whsat the fuck else would it be.  Fight lose unfairly, learn some shit, fight win “The end”.  Who cares 1+1 = 2 we’re all happy with that, it keeps the universe from falling to pieces.  The only gripe (What, apart from the whole thing is completely implausible) would be the amount of action there could be more. 

Overall:   The best follow up to a prison set fight film, in Russia, where the lead actor has changed, EVER.

Director:Isaac Florentine Cast: Michael Jai White, Scott Adkins, Ben Cross, Eli Danker




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Locked Down (2010)

Plot:   Danny (Tony Schiena) super cop, is setup after an undercover deal goes wrong . Sent down on some bullshit charge.  Cops don't get treated well inside, especially if they have sent many of the inmates there himself, including the gangster Daddy of the prison Vargas Ex Welsh cockney midfielder Vinnie Jones).  

Poor guy won't live long enough to get out unless he joins the prisons kick the fuck out of each other in a cage, recreational activity . Fearing he has been set up & Vargas has paid for him to be set to Blackwater & no other prison, it don't look good.  The guards are corrupt & the warden gets sucked by strippers.  Danny is no slouch at brawling but he needs help, fearing he will die in the ring to unbeatable psycho nutjob Axl (Lance 'The Snake' Cartwright ), he gets help from martial arts master Irving (Dave Fennoy).  Also trying to get him out is Internal Affairs officer Gwen (Sarah Ann Schultz) who wants Danny to have an affair with her internals.  

The fight is set with Axl can Gwen get there in time or will the whole prison explode in a violent Jizz fest.

Ah!! The old deadly blowjob move

Is it good: Yes,  Its ok a very cheap knockoff of Undisputed II but the acting is passable Vinnie Jones is reliable as the gangster nutter even if he is English (errr Welsh).   

Fight scenes work well, energetic enough to keep the movie flowing.  

Also the scene at the beginning where Danny is doing the undercover bust, stripper tits within 5 minutes and Danny's biker disguise is awesome the beard is bad enough but the shinny wig is just mental.   

The predator has aged badly.

Turdige: Basic but who cares.  Vinnie Jones is good but when hes the films best actor its a bit worrying.  Top points for an insane Chinese female prison guard Flores (Bai Ling).  

Danny also puts on a weird Adam West as batman type of voice occasionally that is very strange.  Its mostly his on the pull phone voice.  

While training Irving tells him about a Japanese universal force called Wushu but we all know Wushu is a actually a Chinese martial art that Jet Li was champion of.
 

The very Shawshank end is crap.

Overall:   Watch Undisputed II instead, if you have and you liked it give this a go but don't expect too much. Maybe 7 is too much I don't know.

 Director: Daniel Zirilli, Cast: Tony Schiena, Rashad Evans, Vinnie Jones, Lance 'The Snake' Cartwright, Lance 'The Snake' Cartwright , Dave Fennoy





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In Hell (2003)

Plot: (Sort of) American, Kyle LeBlanc (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is working


in Russia.  While on his way home, during a phone call to his wife someone breaks in rapes & kills her.  He hears the whole thing racing back to help, at one point he asks her “can you speak English” hardly a time to be shitty about language lessons.  

Unfortunately for JCVD when it comes to trial the judge is corrupt and the guy is let off.  So he thinks “fuck it” & shoots the prick outside the courthouse, in a weird twist of can’t be arsed editing he is immediately tried & sent down life no chance of parole.  All this and were not 10 mins in.  This is no soft arse British clink, this is, errrrrr well Hell and he’s in it.  

 Lucky for him there are a selection of Americans banged up with him, the constantly bummed Billy (Chris Moir), crippled drug dealer Malakai (Malakai Davidson), smack head Coolhand (Billy Rieck) & JCVD’s psycho cell mate 451 (Lawrence Taylor).   A useless bunch of cockends all trying to survive their days, dodging mafia maniacs, corrupt guards and the odd bumming.  Kyle chooses to start fights in order to be locked up in the solitary (a cell with en suite sewer) rather than face the turd burglary. 

Hey mate press X for slow mo flying split kick

If that wasn’t enough the warden likes to hold bare knuckle fights for his own entertainment.  Eventually JCVD looses it big time due to a butterfly & his dead wife (It doesn't have to make sense) and thinks fuck it lets have a ruck. 
He may be mad but he doesn’t want to face whatever the fuck is banged up in the solitary cell no one opens.  

Is it good: Yes, this is one I didn’t expect to be anything but shite.  After seeing some of JCVD’s post 90s awful films The Order (2001) and Derailed (2002) I kind of gave up on him but after catching the excellent Assassination Games (2011) I thought I would give it a go & it was playing on Syfy

A very dark, disturbing, brutal film that plays on psychological fears of despair rather than relying purely on action.  There are still enough fight scenes to keep you entertained 

Jesus had days like this (Bummed by the Russians)

JCVDs 2 previous collaborations with Director Ringo have been disappointing the lack lustre but tit-tastic (due to the awesome Natasha Henstridge) Maximum Risk (1996) & the shit awful Replicant (2001) but Lam has a lot to offer, check his 80s/90s Hong Kong flicks, including the brilliant Chow Yun-Fat film Full Contact (1992).

It is the case with this film no taking 20 guys with slow motion flying split kicks and a wisecrack to finish.  This is Van damme loosing the will to live with the loss of his wife and the mental/physical abuse in the prison.   

The fights are a more solid/realistic style, culminating in a brutal fight where you think oh fuck he’s lost it.  His acting although not Oscar worthy (this is no green Mile/shawshank redemption) is some of his best work.

It looks like his winning round of prisoners may have been ripped off by Undisputed II (2006) (although it is a cool hand Luke kind of thing not exactly original)

Seriously the beard???

Turdige:  The film kind of looses it at the end with an outlandish fight against “Mongo” mixed with riots, escapes and deaths it may have worked better just attempting one realistic sort of ending rather than a combined mess.  Also a touch too conveniently sentimental (the ring/pic). 

Most of the prisoners look authentic big hefty looking Russians however one guy usually plays Latino gangsters on American TV popped up. weird!!!!

 

The editing was a well fucked up I appreciated the super quick back story but he went from scared to nuts to nasty to hero in a very patchy way.
Also as its a male prison film there is a distinct lack of vadge, apart from the first scene and you’ve got to be a sicko to like that (I did). 

The very dodgy victorian villain goatee was ridiculous.

Overall:   Van damme, with help from Ringo Lam pulls off a remarkably good prison fight movie (although it is a sausage fest).

Director:Ringo Lam Cast:  Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lawrence Taylor, Marnie Alton, Billy Rieck, Chris Moir, Michael Bailey Smith, Carlos Gómez




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Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight (1992)


Plot: Within minutes of this prison movie were treated to the forced gang buggery & murder of a young inmate by damn nasty drug dealer Luther The kids friend Jimmy (Don "The Dragon" Wilson)is too late to help but not too late to kick ass.
Jimmy’s revenge seems to piss off everyone, he’s sent to the maximum security wing (Now dry of drugs due to the loss of Luther) by the prison governor who wants him dead.   

The black prisoners think it was a race attack and want him dead, the white supremacists think he’s great for 5 mins before he snaps their leader’s finger and tells him to fuck off. 

His only friends are his cell mate, (The token, take the young trouble maker under his wing and teach him a thing or two) Stark (Richard “Shaft” Roundtree) and a weird geeky peado bloke.  

Meanwhile the gangs are united to fuck over Jimmy (It’s beautiful to see this kind of racial bonding even if it is too kill an Asian bloke).  Forcing him to fight for his life every day.   


Is it good: Average. The  Roger Corman produced Bloodfist series was never a world beater and  Don "The Dragon" Wilsonfor all his real world credentials (Multiple world kickboxing champion) was  never one of the big hitters of the action genre.  

BloodFist IV Forced to Garden

Bloodfist III  had completely different characters from the first 2 films & had no connection to them in the script (apparently it was a separate movie titled Forced to Fight  but to get it a cinema release they stuck Bloodfist III  on the front, made out  it was a sequel/franchise & somehow got away with it).  

The actual story is not bad.  Basic fight for his life but it keeps the interest levels up.  Acting is ropey as you would expect but Shaft is good as an older, intellectual, well respected prisoner.  Perhaps Morgan Freeman used it as a template for Red in Shawshank redemption (1994).  Doubtful:


Turdige: Unfortunately the action sequences let this films down, the kicks & punches are far too slow.  The fight editing is bad, many times Don is far too close to his opponent, then it cuts to the kick from a different camera angle and it’s a roundhouse at full stretch. 

Unfair fighting with a giant flaming penis

It’s strange (possibly due to bad editing but there is no explanation why The Don is in Jail (whether you should care if he lives or dies) his only friend for the first half of the film is (well hinted & looks like) a peado.  So maybe he is the same.

There seems to be a lack of guards and seen as there are White supremacist & Black gangs on the wing they seem to be able to wonder around a lot unsupervised.     
Again it’s a male prison film so there is a distinct lack of vadge.  

Overall:   About as average a film as you can get.  Has a very 80s feel about the action, by this time action movies had knocked it up a notch trying to imitate the Hong Kong movies of the time.  Bloodfist 4 is better.

Director: Oley Sassone Cast: Don Wilson, Richard Roundtree, Gregory McKinney, Richard Paul

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Prison Fight Movie New List II





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