HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) - REVIEW

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) 

Plot:  Hansel & his sister Gretel are lost in the woods and hungry.  They find not only a cottage but one you can eat, being lured in and trapped by a medieval Saville, in the form of a witch.


Sensing danger they kick the shit out of the witch and shove her in the oven, turns out they are immune to witchy magic.  Years later we see they have grown up into (Jeremy Renner) and (Gemma Arterton) who seem to have stolen some weapons from Van Helsing and taken to wearing tight leather outfits (Awesome on Arterton, dodgy, kind... of creepy with Renner). 

Move away from the fucking candy

The sibling have earned a rep as Witch Hunters and this time round are hired to kill a witch and hopefully return the lost, local kids she has stolen.  Along the way they pick up Witch Hunter superfan Ben (Thomas Mann) & Mina (Pihla Viitala) after saving her from being burned alive as a witch by a seriously pissed off Sheriff (Peter Stormare), he don't like H&G at all, especially after Gretel gives him a kiss (weirdo), in the face with her forehead (Ahhh). 

The problem (apart from the sheriff) is Grand Witch Muriel (Famke Janssen) who has orchestrated the whole errr orchestra, luring H&G in. Bad news they aren't immune to her magical mumbo jumbo, the Hunters become the Hunted in a plan to......   something about a Blood Moon I don't think it's really important. 

I still would

Alternative Plot:  Two chavs get caught trying to eat a old woman's house, restraining them using reasonable force, before the authorities arrive they overpower and burn her alive.  Growing up into a pair of leather clad fetishists (one of them is also a candy junky), they travel the land making money from their witch genocide, with extreme violence & defying the Geneva Convention using torture to gain information, until the witches cannot take this persecution anymore and finally make a stand. 

Is it good:  Yes, if you read other reviews though you wouldn't believe that.  Only holding 15% on Rotten Tomatoes is not good but don't believe them, miserable Titanic lovers.  Enjoy this Grimm Fairytale from Hollywood via Norway, a Grim tale in the same sense that demon possession movies are based on  true stories (It's a weak link). 

Its very similar in style to the equally panned Van Helsing (2004) but with the added attraction of buckets full of blood.  Filmed by the maker of the awesome, Nazi zombie movie Dead snow (2011) you would expect no less.  This goes into overdrive when a Troll goes shit arse nuts in one of the highlights.  Gemma Artertons' face splattered with brains in another, kinky (I have issues).

Wait that's siouxsie and the banshees

Witches have always been a bit crap, just flying around on broomsticks casting spells, giving people dodgy golden delicious, it was time to let them use the kick arse moves vampires & werewolves have been enjoying lately.  Famke Janssen seemed to relish the bad girl role, much like she did in GoldenEye (1995) kicking ass, all sexy and Evil, not bad since shes knocking on 50. 

Unfortunately there nothing as good as "Yo She-Bitch, Let's go"  but the film has a sense of humor, there are some good one liners like "Whatever you do, don't eat the fuckin' candy", Will Ferrell was one of the producers but don't worry there's no shake & bake going on. 

Great action with plenty of (if strangely existing) heavy weaponry.

Some of the critics have slated the leads but even though Janssen & the underused  Stormare steal the show, Renner and Arterton do play their parts pretty well. 

Turdige: Definitely style over substance in a big way but so was Avatar and that was Oscar nominated.  Hollywood should give up on the 3D gimmick, its crap.  If I want to see 3D I'll walk around outside in real life for a couple of hours, give us back 2D and spend the money on some better editing.  

"What is it", "It looks like a giant cock & balls"

That's what lets this down for me, you can over look a lot of problems (story - With twist that if you don't see coming your brain needs corrective surgery, Over CGI, grip on reality - Gatling gun in medieval times) but jumping around too much with no linking scenes is annoying (A bit like the no linking of the paragraphs in this review).  I blame finishing the film off with 3D CGI, messy business and probably with Renner being only slightly less busy than Ryan Gosling they couldn't film any.  

There's also a lot of posing with big guns.... pointless. 

Overall:   Vastly more enjoyable than the misery fest  Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) .  I almost gave it an 8...  but I didn't.

Director: Tommy Wirkola Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Pihla Viitala, Peter Stormare






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