HOUSE OF 9 - (2005) DVD review

House of 9 (2005)



Plot:   Stick 9 very different people in a sealed house together.  Feed them only chicken, spuds and whisky throw in a potential $5 million if they kill each other, film it and you’ve got a the answer to Big Brothers falling viewing figures.  Or in this case House of 9.   

The  voice in the wall has had them kidnapped for his own sick entertainment and in what seems like an amazingly short amount of time for society to collapse the inmates go from just generally disliking each other to psychotic.  As the greed and paranoia grows so does the body count and the $5 million looks doable. 




 Is it good:  The varied group which as the voice (In the wall) says are specifically chosen (because of how they would act towards each other, much like in reality TV where opposites are picked to cause conflict).  

Time of the month alert

Kelly Brook, generally regarded as just a pair of tits with eyes who can’t hold a job fairs quite well as Lea the most human of the bunch.  

It’s difficult for me to see Max (Peter Capaldi) as anything but the“fuck cunt” spouting Scot Malcom Tucker from “The thick of it” but he is a good actor.  In fact (Almost all) the actors do a pretty good job Jay (Raffaello), Shona (Morven Christie) Al B (Ashley Walters) all come across believable (They are not supposed to come of well or as heroes as their characters are meant to be different kinds of arsehole chosen because they are likely to kill under certain amount of pressure).

Not exactly a splatter-fest but one scene with a face and an Iron bar is pretty harsh. 

At least there is no Brian Dowling

Turdige:  Dennis Hopper has played some brilliant characters (Frank Booth in  Blue Velvet (1986) the stand off in True Romance (1993)) Father Duffy is not one of them.  Fuck knows how the other actors could listen to is piss poor Irish accent and not burst out laughing.  Jay (Raffaello Degruttola) played an American cop so why they just didn’t let the Hop use his own voice.

Susie Amy is  terrible actress and unfortunately the usually reliable "tits out" Julienne Davis keeps them covered.


The film seemed to be lacking in effort as it had all the action points associated with these trapped by mysterious people, no way out Kind of movies

Bejesus... fiddle de de

1.      Denial

  2.      Attempt to escape

  3.      Work together

  4.      Paranoia split allegiances

  5.      More paranoia, fights

  6.      Acceptance of the choices given at the start and deaths      

   

But it all seems to happen in (as there is no help with a time on the camera) 2/3 days which you can only pick up from the couple of times they get food.   I assume it’s over a much longer period but a couple good scenes hitting you with that would help draw you into the movie and feel the reasons for the breakdown.

Unused outtake

More of an issue is the time it takes for them to give up trying to escape and accept their prison its astounding.  The house is fully functional showers/toilets/electrics but they don’t try and dismantle any of it and find a source or at least spoil the big guys TV show.  




   
Overall:   Not a bad film but erratically paced and even more erratically acted (By Hopper) some nice touches and a great twist of an ending (I believe there are alternate endings so errr good luck).  With what they had, it seems a missed opportunity to make something much better. 

Director: Steven R. Monroe Cast: Dennis Hopper, Kelly Brook, Susie Amy, Peter Capaldi , Hippolyte Girardot, Ashley Walters






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THE DAY (2011) Movie Review

 

The Day (2011)

Plot:   Iceman teams up with a hobbit and a demon possessed girl to defeat some post apocalypse cannibal psychopaths.  It took a while to get that out of my head before taking in this gloomy violent thriller.

The plot focuses on five survivors of some unexplained end of civilisation event; struggling they find shelter in a deserted farm house and attempt to get some rest & recuperation. 

Unfortunately for them some human flesh hungry fuckers have already claimed the house, rigged some traps and won’t give up their rights to the ramshackled shit hole so easily especially not with the potential buffet inside.  

You look a little swollen I'd get it seen to

Luckily the group have a tough as shit ginger ninja on their team but with dwindling ammo will the group survive till the day?


 Is it good:  Yes, in the end I was won over by this violent, still a hit & miss, low budget effort.  The acting talent was high for the budget involved Adam (Shawn Ashmore) – X man trilogy, The Ruins.  Rick (Dominic Monaghan) - Lord of the rings trilogy, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  Mary (Ashley Bell) - The Last Exorcism.  Henson (Cory Hardrict) Battle: Los Angeles & Nikki (Brianna Barnes) - One Missed Call.  



The gore level is quite high, mostly CGI blood but some pretty extreme face smashing & at least one nasty torture scene.  Not that I’m a sicko but it spiced the film up nicely.  The action too is pretty good, Ashley Bell being the star of the show, for a skinny lass she surely does kick some and look convincing with it.  Intense and brutal taking no prisoners.

Thor III the anorexia years

The look of the post apocalypse world has a convicting The Book Of Eli (2010) feel, gloomy, low contrast blue & gray colouring but obviously without its high budget battered landscapes (not even an overturned Nissan Micra).  
Very serious movie but a couple of funny moments like the inspiring loser’s speech. 


Turdige:  The early part of the film was kind of dull a couple of crappy (nothing happening) flash backs and some mumbling.  Even a bit of Brianna Barnes nakedness couldn’t pick it up. 

Also I swear like a fucker but strangely the way they used fuck as pretty much every word in a sentence (mostly Cory Hardrict) it lost its value and seemed unconvincing dialog.  It made me wanted to side with the cannibals, they seemed more civilised (If you overlooked the flesh chomping).

On that note the bad guys were a bit overlooked.  The leader, Father (Michael Eklund) turned out a default post apocalypse bad dude, a cannibal (understandable a guys gotta eat) & sporting a Mohican (not sure why when society breaks down people turn punk).   

Shit I forgot the milk

Granted he looked mean but the character was underused and the others were pretty faceless, may as well have been zombies.  
The guy I first assumed was the leader with his end of the world preacher psycho kind of look may have been a better choice.


 
Overall:   Not Brilliant but Ashley Bell makes this post apocalypse gloomy cabin in the wood 
cannibal standoff movie, worth 1.5 hours of anyone’s time. 

Director: Douglas Aarniokoski Cast: Ashley Bell, Shannyn Sossamon, Dominic Monaghan, Shawn Ashmore , Cory Hardrict, Michael Eklund





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IF YOU WERE BROUGHT UP IN THE 90S PROBABLY THE BEST CLIP EVER

Movie Interlude

Will Smith breaks out the Fresh Prince & brings along the
greatest dancer of all time to the Graham Norton show




Almost tops being on drugs in the 90s, watching  Tom Jones
float in through the patio doors sing a duet with Carlton and
then deliver an it's a wonderful life ending.



Just Say no


#5 The original Jump on it...
#3 The original Carlton dance

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THE TRAVELLER (2010) MOVIE REVIEW

The Traveller (2010)

Plot:  Someone who looks like Val Kilmer only fatter has mozzied on in a kind of Assault on precinct 13 style, almost abandoned, police station at the festive period.  He’s the scruff with no name “The Drifter”.  

 Confessing to the murder of six people but get this the murders haven't happened yet.  The cops think he’s just a mental bellend but cuff him just in case. 

Under interrogation he’s one tough dude who may or may not be reminiscent of a tramp they picked up a year earlier in connection to the murder of the sergeants daughter, who they also may or may not have FUBAR’d up the ass. 

As his confessions inevitably lead to grisly bloody deaths occurring the cops begin to believe there is an accomplice or is there more to the creepy fucker than meets the eye. 

    

Fatman Forever

Is it good:  Not really, but It does have its good points, when you feel drawn into the character before generally deciding it’s just bollocks. The film sometimes has a creepy feel, a gloomy atmosphere and some of the gore is well worked & kind of extreme for what seems like a TV movie.  The tongue cutting scene really made me squirm. 

Luckily I had zero expectations of the movie

before watching having never heard of it, which helped; I certainly could not have been let down.  Honestly if you read other reviews you couldn’t be let down they are all pretty much negative.  I don’t think it’s that bad as most say (but it certainly aint great).

Your gonna need a bigger gun

Turdige: It’s unfair to criticise, everyone puts on a few pounds when they get older, except for me but I’m probably dying from some undiscovered venereal wasting disease. 

It’s not unfair however to criticise his mumbling shitty performance. Kilmer plays it like some tired, ironic dying poet “confessing” with stories of how he murdered the six.  Its a low but not his worst. 

Kilmer must really hate Tom Cruise 20 years ago they were almost at an even level, Cruise had Risky Business, Kilmer had Top Secret!, Cruise had Legend, Kilmer had Willow. Even though Tommy boy was gaining critical acclaim for Rain man, A Few Good Men & that soppy vampire shit.

 Kilmer was holdings his own in Heat, playing Jim Morrison & Batman.  It all went tits up for Kilmer in the mid 90s.  Both of them stared in big screen remakes of 60s TV series (both with dodgy rubber mask/disguises). 

Anymore fat jokes Im going to eat you

Unfortunately for Kilmer, while Cruise got Mission: Impossible (1996) and along with it a multimillion dollar franchise that has lasted 20 years Kilmer had the turkey fuck of a movie in The Saint (1997) which not only nosedived his career but dragged Elizabeth Shue with him.  “Even in Top Gun the little mad scientologist shitbag got the lead” – (Genuine made up quote)

Overall:   Not terrible for a beyond the grave revenge story with a twisty little ending but it could have been a looooooooot better if they didn’t hit you in the face with a plot so fucking obvious and you have to trawl through it to get to a twist.   

 

 Director: Michael Oblowitz Cast: Val Kilmer, Dylan Neal, Paul McGillion, Camille Sullivan, Nels Lennarson.




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