THE DEAD UNDEAD (2010)

The Dead Undead (2010)

Plot: A group of youngsters are on a trip to the woods stopping to take a dip in the skankiest lake around and then heading of to a shit hole of a motel for some action.  

Before  the ladies can even get their tits out they are attacked by some zombie looking fucks who try to spoil the party.  Just when they're thinking its all over an van appears full of gun toting commando  looking dudes looking dudes looking dudes led by Jack (Luke Goss) turn up to save the errr night. 

These are not your average redneck commandos though they are vampires on a "unholy" crusade to stop an outbrake of zombie vampires taking over the world.   We see flashbacks of their past lives and how they were chosen to be vampires by the bloke from bros moments before their deaths.  

Can they survive this out break and will they go on to take acting lessons.
 

Is it good:  Er no, it is no way a good movie but it was entertaining it hits the so bad you can't believe it got made so it needs to be watched sort of thing.  Some of the dialoge is atrocious but some funny shit does break through.  Shooting defenseless gnomes was just cruel.   

The opening tits, sorry scene looked promising

The film starts of well enough it just looks like a cabin in the woods type of zombie movie were some teens will get torn apart, great stuff.  When the zombies turn up (pretty quickly) it was looking good even made me jump at one point.  Then it feels like a dragged out syfy channel movie.
When somebody says.
"What the hell are they zombies"  "ZVs zombie vampires" , "so they're psychotic vampires its impossible to kill" you know your fucked.  Really they should have made it a comedy.
I like low budget movies and can tolerate a lot of bad acting so I sort of enjoyed the movie, even though I couldn't face giving it more than 4 probably deserves less just for the misleading cover (above) but I was drunk not drunk enough though a definite 10 pinte).  I did enjoy it more than Die Hard 5. 

Turdige: The movie has some of the most fuck awful acting Ive seen when Luke Goss appears like an oscar winner in the film compared to the rest you know its a turky fuck of a movie. 

80s OldSkool mustachioed shootouts

The premise of infected vampires feels like another Luke Goss movie, however this is a universe away from  Blade II.   

Amazingy a Goss is better than this film but he deserves it for the shite music he produced that my sister made me endure all those years ago.  The curse I put on him in the 80s means he will forever be a B grade Jason statham.
 
Overall:   Not a total waste of 120 minutes but if you want to watch a great low budget Zombie/vampire movie watch the The Revenant instead.  

 Director:  Matthew R. Anderson Cast: Forrest J Ackerman, Joshua Alba, Luke Goss, Cameron Goodman, Laura Kenley





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SPLATTERVILLE

Train (2008)

 Plot:  A bunch of American college wrestlers are on tour in Eastern Europe.  After the local comp the team sneak out for a booze up at a strip joint/nightclub.  Coming back they they find the coach at the station pissed off, they have missed the train (the rest of the team have left and he has had to wait for them).  

Looking to get to Odessa & trying to find someone who speaks English a seemingly kindly woman tells them her train is bound for the Ukraine. (What a nice lady)

The girls Alex (Thora Birch) & Claire (Gloria Votsis) are creeped out by the scruffy leching porters, the guys just want to carry on boozing Alex's boyfriend Todd  (Derek Magyar),
Todd (Kavan Reece) and coaches assistant Willy (Gideon Emery).  Coach Harris (Todd Jensen) goes off to bone the woman who helped him but gets more than he hoped for.

Nothing suspicious here

The train is a front for illegal underground operations and the youngsters have become unwitting donors for illegal operations.  The back carriage of the train is used to cage, slice, dice and remove organs.  A huge Russian butcher and a train full of potential patients it isn't going to be easy to escape.   

Is it good: Yes, I bought this film simply because Thora Birch has great tits, I didn't really have much hope for anything else but it worked out well.  The opening seen of a body being skinned live is horrific.  The gore level is high, it takes a lot to make me cringe but anything with eyes, gets me and knifes in a guys junk, leave it out, horrible.  

Where Kebab meat comes from.

The film is a bit of a Hostel rip off, young travelers are tricked into putting themselves in the hands of psychos, the torture is seemingly unnecessary if they are just after body parts but the butchers seem to get pleasure from their job.   

The acting is ok Thora carries the film well and the others put up a good performance.

The bad dudes are menacing and believable, especially the conductor and the 2 creepy porters.  

Well hello Miss Birch

Turdige: The last half an hour it starts go on a bit and goes a little too far in the this is just daft stakes.  The Americans seem the only ones on the train who are not in on it so where do the patiants organs come from as they shouldn't have been there.  The end move was ridiculously telegraphed.

Not as hardcore and effective as say Wolf Creek (2005) but then not many films are. 

10 years ago Thora Birch was the next big thing starring in American Beauty (1999) The Hole (2001) Ghost World (2001) she must be a bit pissed of seeing Scarlett Johansson in Avengers (2012) and the jobs Keira Knightley gets.
 

Overall:   An enjoyable (If you say that about torture porn flicks) film well worth the entrance fee.

Directeor: Gideon Raff  Cast: Thora Birch, Derek Magyar, Gideon Emery, Kavan Reece, Gloria Votsis

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WEREWOLF FILM REVIEW

Love Bite (2012)

 

Plot:  Rainborough-on-sea a typical dead end English sea side shithole.  Local lads Jamie (Ed Speleers) Kev (Luke Pasqualino), Bruno (Robin Morrissey) and Spike (Daniel Kendrick) have nothing to do but hang around the local fairground and chip shop, trying to crash parties and pull some women.  Most of them are Virgins, which seems bad enough when your a teenager but it gets worse when its turns out virgins are a werewolves favorite meat and one seems to be on the loose. 

While the others seem happy with there lives Kev thinks hes a stud, Spike is just a freak and Bruno's life long dream is to be a binman, Jamie wants something else, he works in his mums B&B (the awesomly MILFy Kierston Wareing) but dreams of traveling.  During the party of local bike Donna (Kierston Wareing) he meets a sexy American travel writer Juliana (Jessica Szohr) she keeps disappearing and B&B Resident nutter and supposed werewolf hunter Sid (Timothy Spall) tries to concive him she is a werewolf and he must pop his cherry in order not to become her victim.

The Unbetweeners

Is it good: Its Ok, There is a lot wrong with this film but overall the acting is ok and the film is enjoyable enough for a Sunday afternoon I certainly wouldn't build your night around it.  Timothy Spall really should have said no to this but he puts in a good shift as the weird werewolf hunter. 

Jessica Szohr from Piranha 3D (2010) is incredibly hot and would definitely be worth being bitten for.  The banana scene was awesome thanks!!  

Turdige:Quite a lot.  The film is basically a cheap knock off Inbetweeners with a werewolf shoved in.  Bruno & Spike especially are total rip offs of Neil & Jay.  Unfortunately its nowhere near the inbetweeners in terms of script the dialog its more like an updated carry on movie, the chip shop stuff especially was just wank.

The way all bananas should be eaten

The werewolf is just a side story really and its not handled very well. 

Overall:   If you loved lesbian vampire killers (2009) (there must be some) then you will like this.  If you didn't I would get drunk & watch American werewolf in London, it every 30 mins and watch a bit of the Inbetweeners TV series.

 Director: Andy De Emmony Cast: Ed Speleers, Jessica Szohr, Timothy Spall, Luke Pasqualino, Robin Morrissey, Daniel Kendrick

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Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012)

Plot:  In 19th century Eastern Europe Werewolves are on the loose, Charles (Ed Quinn) a natural born Werewolf hunter leads a gang of professional killers to their next hunt.  A beast that is decimating a remote village but this animal is more dangerous than any they have seen before a (born) Werewolf, able to think like a man and one that seems to have a purpose behind its killings.

In the village a young student doctor Daniel (Guy Wilson) wants to join the hunters to protect his girlfriend Eva (Rachel DiPillo).  His mentor the doctor (Stephen Rea) is not happy with his choice and neither is Stefan (Adam Croasdell) the dapper English hunter with a nasty streak. 

Will the cowboy hunter outfit regret taking this job which could mean death for all hunters.

Is it good: Yes, a B movie with a budget, some good acting (also some iffy don't get me wrong) The basic werewolf/hunter story develops into a descent mystery and a little twist near the end that adds a touch of bite to the story.   

The effects are mostly CGI, the werewolf etc. but they stand up pretty well, the interaction between CGI and the hunters works well and the head exploding effects they seem to love are damn good.  

The film plays out like an updated Hammer Horror with some added humor and gore.

 Plus Rachel DiPillo looks kind of like Natalie Portman which is a bonus. 

Turdige: There could have been much more action, since there was obviously some budget it may have been better to go all out on the gore. Also its a bit too bright & B Movie looking, it could have been done a touch darker/grimier I think it could have added to the atmosphere and move away from the Syfy channel look. (As its much better than that).  

Overall:   A better Werewolf movie than I've seen in a long while, with an actual plot and some great action/gore scenes.  Its a bit of a low budget Van Helsing (2004).  Give it a go.

Director: Louis Morneau Cast: Ed Quinn, Guy Wilson, Guy Wilson, Stephen Rea, Nia Peeples, Rachel Katherine Dipillo

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