ACTION

"What do you say John?" ---- "Fuck 'em!"

Hollywood spunked out Action Movie in the 80/90s billions were spent on terrible actors blowing things up & we loved it.  Previously action had been split into its individual genres.  Whether it was the swashbuckling of Douglas Fairbanks and Errol Flynn , whether it was westerns or sci fi, they all contained action.  Bond films were spy movies,  Bruce Lee was down as kung fu, Dirty Harry was a cop movie even Death Wish was a vigilante movie  (Now Bond is action,  Everyone in movies knows Kung fu even if they have to download it & the inevitable remake of Dirty Harry will be a young teenage Slightly grubby Harry the early years reboot action movie hopefully long after I'm dead let alone Clint).

Not AWOL. Still producing shite

In the 80s everything had to be categorised it was the beginning of the genres, 3 movies kicked it off as a genre in itself Rambo, he was a war "should have been hero but spat on when returning" pushed to far.  So it could not be a war movie like the others that had Vietnam in the content.  
First Blood (1982) was fantastic, realistic to a point and was far better than any of the genre it helped create and is now part of.  By the end on the 80s one man could take on hundred, body counts were ridiculous and the violence almost cartoon like.  For example Rambo Part 3 (1988).


This set up a million clones were a man is put against what seems an impossible odds 
But they didn't count that hes Ex SAS, special forces, Delta, Ranger, purple heart winner,, the goddamn cooks a SEAL.

"Remember me" "err are you  Mark Dacascos"

Another was 48 Hrs (1982) which couldn't really be a cop movie as Murphy was a criminal it did however spawn a thousand cop, buddy cop & cop criminal movies that would all be classed as action.


The best example however was Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) which was just pure action adventure from the start, a long lost genre of the early cinema serials.  So if you run, jump, shoot, punch its an action movie.  
List of notable 80s Action Movies 
List of notable 90s Action Movies


The stars became bigger than the heroes it used to be James bond was the star the actor could be replaced.  Now it was Stallone is Cobra, now schwarzenegger, Lundgren, seagal, Van Dam, Norris were the stars and the movies were wrote around them. 

I'm not fucking fat I'm big boned

By the mid 90s the world was bored Stallone, schwarzenegger & Willis were selling burgers and trying comedy.  The films had nothing new to offer so Hollywood looked abroad.








 Asia provided Jackie Chan, his films had been amazing people for years all through the 80s doing his own amazing stunts with no regard for personal safety it was awesome.  

Asian Stand off

Hollywood decided to tempt him over with a few millions dollars then restrict him with stunt man union rules, health & safety and make him boring.  The same happened to Jet Li and also director John Woo along with great action star Chow Yun-fat, who went from the amazing  A Better Tomorrow II (1987) The Killer (1989) Hard Boiled (1992) to being tempted over to America & ending up making shite like Paycheck (2003) & Dragonball: Evolution (2009). 


Woo went home don't blame him.  Asia is still producing  great action films Japan brought us Battle Royal (2000) Thailand has Tony Jaa with Ong-Bak (2003) & The Protector (2005) , Hong Kong has Stephen Chow with Kung Fu Hustle (2004) & Korea with The Man from Nowhere (2010).  

"Look Hollywood flying double gun" Oh copy & paste into script

Hollywoods best recent attempt was the stripped back Taken (2008) which didn't rely on huge special effects and played like Hollywood meets a Euro thriller (makes sense seen as its written by  Luc Besson & set mostly in Paris). 

The Low budget film makers have been doing this for years Van Damn & Seagal make multiple movies each year with European funding or filmed in eastern Europe to keep costs down.  There are still action stars coming through while Hollywood has the Rock & Vin Diesel.  No budget has Scott Adkins.



 

Now Hollywood has gone crazy with The Expendables (2010) & The Expendables 2 (2012) getting all the old fucks back for a reunion tear up.  So who knows whats next.

At last all in the same movie

 Who cares 

Forced to fight

             (2006)                     (2010)                     (2003)     

Dolph Lundgren

             (2012)      

Revenge Movies

             (2011)      

Game movies

             (2010)     

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SLICE AND DICE - SLASHER FILMS REVIEWS

Whoever made this its brilliant

The Slasher movie was born out of the B-movie evolving from the 60's Splatter and the exploitation, Italian Gore Movies of the 70s. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) showed that one character could make a film. It being a whole family of cannibal hillbillies as in the later The Hills Have Eyes (1977) but it was Leatherface who was the most memorable and became bigger than the film.  Black Christmas (1974) is widely considered the first pure slasher film.  It was the huge success of Halloween (1978) still one of the most profitable independent movies of all time and along with Friday the 13th (1980) unbelievably created popular Icons of its psychopaths and franchises that would last over 30 years it showed Hollywood slashers were worth investing in.  

The films had a basic formula 
Somebody dies in the opening credits  

I made this. Its not

The killer was usually a known urban legend or killer but not believed in
The early victims were oversexed teens (Who were usually in there 30s)
They are dispatched in graphic/Gory scenes
There's someone outside, arrrr shit its just a cat, turn round knife in the head 
people tripped over nothing and took ages to get up
One Victim/Hero was left (Usually the least popular Nerd or Virgin)
The killer is fucked up you think hes dead
Oh no hes not your fucked.
Thank god just survived and killed him
The killers body disappears (sequel pending)

Sequel 
Survivor dies in opening credits 
The killer was usually a known urban legend or killer but not believed in  
& repeat.

Blonde good looking you're screwed

In the UK, as it was a new development, the video market was not subjected to the same film censorship & classification reviews as in the cinema so these films found their home totally uncut on the video shelves and where very successful relishing their own controversy.   Driller Killer (1979) was the industries dream product the title alone was straight to the point) they tried to use its own controversy to sell its-self in the UK , now a proven selling technique, even anomalously complaining to the protesters of these videos.   During the conservative early 80s Britain it back fired.  "Mary fucking Whitehouse" Margaret Thatchers' personal Torquemada used Driller Killer (A distinctive title for them as well to push that it was vile, black Christmas or silent night would not have worked so well) she succeeded in championing a protest that coined the term 'video nasty' and led to the "Video Recordings Act 1984".  This spoiled every bodies fun apart from the censors as even films already seen at the cinema had to be resubmitted for video release.  The term cut for video now became the norm and saw some of the heaviest censorship seen to man (This is what I grew up with films so badly cut they made no sense were very short and were errr shit).  Even older films were subject to these video Nazis famously Peckinpahs' Straw Dogs (1971) was completely banned by the BBFC.  

The genre was pretty much dead in the UK and similar unpopularity along with boredom in the genre in America by the time of the release of Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence (1993) it was doomed.


In the UK it took 10 years for things to change The Exorcist was granted an uncut 18 certificate in 1999 & some "video nasties" took even longer but by the mid 90s some had started being re-released uncut which led to a refinding of the genre.  This time was met by Scream which in its on self deprecating way breathed new life in the genre seeing the release of  Urban Legend, Valentine, Cherry Falls, I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Now Hollywood is remaking many early slasher film (Halloween, Friday 13th, nightmare on Elm street , Prom Night, My Bloody Valentine, Silent Night, House of Wax, Black Christmas, Sorority Row, Maniac and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Nobody seems to have bothered with Driller Killer though and there were a million slasher movies, when they do Manic Cop I know the world will be due to end.

Even Buffy gets fucked over in slasher movies

The Slasher movie still has its home in the low budget end of the market and because I cant be bothered with explaining splatter movies and their evolution into torture porn I'm going to lump everything in together.  If you see any (relatively) high budget films here like the remake of Silent Night its because they should be low budget so errrrrrr that lets me off.

Slice em up

             (2005)                        
Reviews

Killers using traps (In no way like saw)

             (2004)                          (2009) 

 

British - Irish Slasher Films

             (2011)                 (2012)                   

Psycho Kids

             (2008)

Splatter/TP Movies

           (2008)     

With a twist

          (2008) 

Classics

           (1976)     

Click to See This & More

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BUYING GHOSTS OR CURSED SHIT

Open Graves (2009)

Nice Eyes

lot:  During the Spanish Inquisition or the Inquisition as they probably called it in Spain, a young woman (witch) is being tortured to death (you really can't beat the love & understanding of organised religion).  A little known fact is the Inquisition later re-branded as Hasbro & when the witch Mamba is skinned alive, her bodily parts are used to contrctuct the worlds first board game.  The rules of the game, role the dice move around the board pick a card, if its the epitaph card your fucked you will die in the same way as the description on the card but make it all the way round the board and you can make one granted wish.  Worth a punt to a gambler such as myself.

In modern day Spain (where everyone seems to be American or English) a bunch of gap year surfer dudes & dudettes (All good looking perfect teeth mofo's) after a washed out beach party decide to play the game. People lose go off & are fucked up by some of the dodgiest CGI known to man.  Crabs eating eyes, a million year old model & the most dangerous dragonfly in existence. Will the leg
less man hold the key & can they win  the game, will 
Eliza Dushku ever win an Oscar.
 

Must be Xmas

Is it good: Yes .  The film stars Eliza Dushku so my enjoyment of the film went up to 11, she was awesome as Faith the evil vampire slayer in Buffy, I had many a Jizz Sunday watching those episodes.  I would pay to watch this woman fart in a bath for 2 hours,  then buy the extended directors cut with 10 mins unseen footage.  Even with blurry CGI tits. 

The film is a SyFi channel original film so it has to be taken on low budget TV standard terms.  I enjoyed the film it had a certain style, the pace was OK, the acting for a TV movie was pretty good , Mike Vogel  was in The Help (2011), Cloverfield (2008), & the pretty damn good The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007) The story was entertaing & the deaths were well constructed if a bit chid on the CGI front.

I've got wood

Turdige: Its pretty much the worst wish of all time I know hes a thick fucker but please, remember the monkey paw episode of the Simpsons:

I'll make a wish that can't backfire.  I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
   rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie
   turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
   other weird surprises.  You got it?

Not bad.  Nice, hot mustard.  Good bread.  The turkey's a little dry.
   ---- The turkey's a little dry!

Time of the month

when taking any fucking wish that's what shes offering.  
The CGI is pretty fuck awful as usual (the flying snake especially) but its expected.  
 
Overall:   Eliza Dushku I would watch her crap in a basket on a 8 hour episode of songs of praise. so 7's all round.




 Director: Álvaro de Armiñán Cast: Eliza Dushku, Mike Vogel,Iman Nazemzadeh, Naike Rivelli, Lindsay Caroline



  
UKUSA Rent/Buy



Kill Katie Malone (2010)


Plot: Rule 6 if you buy a ghost over the internet get a receipt. 
K.K.M - Staring Dean Cain well for about 5 minutes,  Once destined for big things after playing 90s TV superman but that didn't work out too well especially judging by this.  (It couldn't have been destiny then could it... gimp).




In the first minute his daughter tries to burn a wooden box and Cain is bitch slapped by the ghost.
That's just opening credit guff though, were interested (that's a stretch) in Jim, Kyle and ginger 3 college kids who bid on the very wooden box.  Cains only selling on "youbid" what a git.

Now Ive bought stuff from the internet I regretted, a PS2 that didn't work and a ropey copy of Tiger Woods 2006 but Ive never bought a ghost like these cheeselickers.  Bloody students money to burn.  

Open up and say Ahhhhh

The box arrives, cue dramatic opening of box music, there's a locket with a picture in it.  Strange things start to happen Kyle & ginger get small things they asked for but then things  get crazy rooms get trashed, scrawling strange shit on the wall.  

It seems they innocently wish for things to happen and they do in an extreme(ly bad) way.  People die Gingers Hot roommate loses an arm and the Hulks son (Not Skaar) gets fucked up.   The wall scrawl is Gaelic and says basically this is my family bitch whoever wants to break it up dies.  

Trying to find more about the box Jim gets in touch with the rival bidder who warns him hes fucked and he also finds a hidden Katie Malone manual hidden in the box (which is useful).
Katie was a young Irish girl in 1800s who had been sent to America and sold, her life was awful she was abused and murdered.  Now all she wants is a family.

Katie eventually makes an appearance but they couldn't even afford an Irish accent for her in this low budget effort. 
 

Ginger Tats

Is it good:  No but it is alright.   I read a review that likened it to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thats about right but a very humorless episode it has a TV feel about it and it moves along quite well.  The story is intersting enough the script has some great lines even if some of them are unintentional as below.  
"Somebody broke into our room & trashed up the place"  
"my god were where you guys" 
"In the room"
"How big is your dorm 100 square feet"
"It was dark and shit"
 There's a couple of creepy moments and the pace moves up towards the end

Turdige: The acting is not great,Gingers hot roommate is probably the worst, also Ginger and Jim have the sexual tension of a field of turnips and when they finally get it on he just gips out to nothing it was all a bit embarrassing.  However it must be difficult to try to react to nothing happening in a 2 foot dorm, there's not enough room for a poltergeist to swing a cat.  

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't.....

The effects are, bad Sy Fy channel, weak.  It's very difficult to effectively do poltergeist effects in broad daylight so why did they bother, the jogging tunnel bit was awesomely bad.  There is a distinct lack of gore or nudity (Is this really a horror movie).

It must be the first film Ive seen were they tried to add tension by a credit card being declined "wait I'll get another card" 
(Brewster Millions managed it with a receipt but that's classic comedy)
 
Overall:   A frightening film if basically fuck all happening scares the shit out of you.  Poor Mr Cain your time will come again.  Its alright for a Sunday afternoon with a few creeps  Buffy would have done this much better.  

Director: Carlos Ramos Jr: Cast: Dean Cain, Stephen Colletti, Masiela Lusha, Johnathan McDaniels, Nick Hogan

UK Import onlyUSA

The Possession (2012)

Plot: Based on a true story, sure (In as far as someone somewhere may have bought a box once at a yard sale the rest is made up) Don’t be cynical it’s the Dybbuk box you fool.   Instantly you know its bad news as somehow it beats up an old woman.

The woman admits defeat to be fair she’s been well twatted looking like a mummy covered in bandages so the family think fuck it lets sell it on.   Emily or "Em" (Natasha Calis) is the unlucky young girl mysteriously drawn to the box with Hebrew writing.  While out with her dad Clyde(Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and older sister Hannah (Madison Davenport) at the old woman’s yard sale they buy the seemingly unopenable box home. 

The box seemingly affects the young girl making her ill, do bad things & generally be a pain in the arse.  Try and take it away from her and she goes mental.   All this is kind of written off as the family is breaking up & mum (the sexy but with a scraggy necked; Hannah (Madison Davenport) is involved with a new man.    

Problems escalate and Clyde get fuckin freaked out by the weird shit going on in his house, hes convinced she is possessed & blames it on the box (Never hold up in court). The demon seems to get more powerful and cunning manipulating the family Clyde is implicated the dodgy subject of abuse. 

Its a box

He looks into the history of the box and seeks out people who can help but can  he even get to see his daughter let alone help her before the demon takes her soul?

Only the exorcising Jews can help.

Is it good:  It’s ok?  Nothing great but some good special effects.  The hand in the mouth is very creepy, MRI scan.  In fact the whole build up was creepy and darkly atmospheric; it does have a Sam Raimi feel about but watered down.  

The house is new and seems kind of dark of soulless.  Also the acting is much superior (especially Jeff) than a lot of possession exorcism films I’ve seen recently like the devil inside.    

Fuck Vegetarianism

Turdige: There may be a lot of negative stuff I’m writing about the film but it wasn’t awful just average maybe even a little above, it annoyed me I’m not sure whether I expected too much from it.  The advertising campaign was good with a great trailer but I don’t usually fall for that shit.  Maybe I was just desperate to see a possession movie that wasn’t completely formulaic & ends with an exorcism.  No such luck, but of course you are limited as it is a totally god honest TRUE STORY.

 I saw the original tale on an episode to Ghost hunters or Ghost fuckers or something one of those ghost reality TV shows.  So it must be real, it made people ill & black ghostly smoky blobs appeared, bloody terrifying those Jewish ghosts.  It’s now buried in an undisclosed location (allegedly the Dybbuk box’s “owner” offered to send it to Sam Raimi & he said fuck no).  I don’t want people to think I’m taking sides with bolloks made up religions but I was expecting something a bit different with the Jewish exorcists.  No same old shit (I suppose Old Testament wise it is the same religion) but less this seemed less impressive than the catholic lot.

Extreme game of twister

The film is just not good enough it has a big budget (for a possession movie), proper actors unlike most of the films on this blog.  Can it get away with being not very good just because it’s supposedly based on a true story & true life is dull.  Shouldn’t be allowed.   

 The end becomes a bit of a farce like an old Benny Hill chase scene.  Weird!!!

Overall:   Worth watching especially if you haven’t watched many possession movies as it’s a lot more stylish and well made/acted than most, just nothing new I was somehow stupidly expecting (Actually I blame me)

Similar to:  Exorcist (1973), Kill Katie Malone (2010), The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005), Mirrors (2008)

 

Director: Ole Bornedal Cast: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kyra Sedgwick, Natasha Calis






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