THE TRAVELLER (2010) MOVIE REVIEW

The Traveller (2010)

Plot:  Someone who looks like Val Kilmer only fatter has mozzied on in a kind of Assault on precinct 13 style, almost abandoned, police station at the festive period.  He’s the scruff with no name “The Drifter”.  

 Confessing to the murder of six people but get this the murders haven't happened yet.  The cops think he’s just a mental bellend but cuff him just in case. 

Under interrogation he’s one tough dude who may or may not be reminiscent of a tramp they picked up a year earlier in connection to the murder of the sergeants daughter, who they also may or may not have FUBAR’d up the ass. 

As his confessions inevitably lead to grisly bloody deaths occurring the cops begin to believe there is an accomplice or is there more to the creepy fucker than meets the eye. 

    

Fatman Forever

Is it good:  Not really, but It does have its good points, when you feel drawn into the character before generally deciding it’s just bollocks. The film sometimes has a creepy feel, a gloomy atmosphere and some of the gore is well worked & kind of extreme for what seems like a TV movie.  The tongue cutting scene really made me squirm. 

Luckily I had zero expectations of the movie

before watching having never heard of it, which helped; I certainly could not have been let down.  Honestly if you read other reviews you couldn’t be let down they are all pretty much negative.  I don’t think it’s that bad as most say (but it certainly aint great).

Your gonna need a bigger gun

Turdige: It’s unfair to criticise, everyone puts on a few pounds when they get older, except for me but I’m probably dying from some undiscovered venereal wasting disease. 

It’s not unfair however to criticise his mumbling shitty performance. Kilmer plays it like some tired, ironic dying poet “confessing” with stories of how he murdered the six.  Its a low but not his worst. 

Kilmer must really hate Tom Cruise 20 years ago they were almost at an even level, Cruise had Risky Business, Kilmer had Top Secret!, Cruise had Legend, Kilmer had Willow. Even though Tommy boy was gaining critical acclaim for Rain man, A Few Good Men & that soppy vampire shit.

 Kilmer was holdings his own in Heat, playing Jim Morrison & Batman.  It all went tits up for Kilmer in the mid 90s.  Both of them stared in big screen remakes of 60s TV series (both with dodgy rubber mask/disguises). 

Anymore fat jokes Im going to eat you

Unfortunately for Kilmer, while Cruise got Mission: Impossible (1996) and along with it a multimillion dollar franchise that has lasted 20 years Kilmer had the turkey fuck of a movie in The Saint (1997) which not only nosedived his career but dragged Elizabeth Shue with him.  “Even in Top Gun the little mad scientologist shitbag got the lead” – (Genuine made up quote)

Overall:   Not terrible for a beyond the grave revenge story with a twisty little ending but it could have been a looooooooot better if they didn’t hit you in the face with a plot so fucking obvious and you have to trawl through it to get to a twist.   

 

 Director: Michael Oblowitz Cast: Val Kilmer, Dylan Neal, Paul McGillion, Camille Sullivan, Nels Lennarson.




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STITCHES (2012) MOVIE REVIEW

Stitches (2012)

Plot:  Stitches (Ross Noble) is a hopeless, debortched, foul mouthed, fuck friendly, scruffy down & out nerfherder of a clown.  We first see him back-scuttling some scrubber in his run down caravan, making him late for the day job he hates “children’s parties”,

Being children of the new millennium, the I want I want generation.  Nothing is good enough for these little fucks, especially not ropey old clown tricks. Unimpressed, Stitches is heckled into an “accident” involving a dishwasher and a knife through the head.  

Years later the kids are now leaving school and Tom (Tommy Knight) the English kid in an Irish town throws another party and all the kids from the original party are invited.  

Fuck its him again, pretend were not in 

As everybody knows dead clowns don’t sleep you just can’t get rid of the useless unfunny fucks.  The uninvited guest is intent on blood soaked, over the top awesome vengeance on the little bastards who killed him. 

           

Is it good:  Yes; this British/Irish slasher delivers both on comedy and gore.  Ross Noble the sometimes brilliantly surreal  Cramlingtainian comic puts in a great performance as the scruffy, fucked off, mumbling, killer clown.  Overall the acting is pretty good for  the budget, Tommy Knight (The Sarah Jane Adventures/Waterloo road)  gives a descent performance but wearing his unfortunately permanent beaker type frown he doesn’t seem to enjoy the role as much as the others, like Sarah  (Roisin Barron) relishes the role as theSexy ginger bully bitch.

Cunt eyed cunt

Irish actors they seem to have a natural flair for talking shit onscreen much like ozzies it doesn’t seem forced like in low budget UK/USA films.

The deaths are simple, not exactly inventive, but every one of them had a little extra touch that made me smile (like the umbrella), the lack of CGI may cause some people issues but I think it added to the comedy value.  Certainly an impressive amount of gore just take the teacher cock ripping scene... brutal.   

It’s always difficult with slasher films the killer needs a spark, an energy or an iconic image, it makes the difference between a Kruger or a Voorhees and the shit one from Valantine (2001).  Stiches is not up there with the best but for a horror/comedy Conor McMahons (creator of the 10p zombie movie Dead Meat)  made a pretty good effort.  

Turdige: At times the film seems to be heading down a substandard inbetweeners route but just as you start to lose attention up pops a new death to cheer you up.   

Awww he just wants a cuddle

The end did venture into the territory of shit but it was over quick enough not to particularly care. 

 

Overall:   Maybe 8 is too high but I don’t have a 7 ½ score and can’t be arsed making one.  However its worth it for the tricycle alone. Like an Irish version of Hatchet (2006) (low budget slasher/horror/comedy with buckets of blood) Sit back crack open a few beers “Everybody happy?”  

 

Director: Conor McMahon Cast: Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Gemma-Leah Devereux , Thommas Kane Byrne, Eoghan  McQuinn, Roisin Barron

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CLASSIC SLASHERING

Alice, Sweet Alice (Communion) (1976)

Plot: In a rundown neighbourhood, New Jersey, Karen (A very young Brooke Shields) is preparing for her first holy communion.  Older sister Alice (Paula Sheppard) is jealous of the attention Karen tries to spoil things for her, threatening her and locking her in a room of an abandoned warehouse while wearing a raincoat and fucking creepy plastic mask.  

Err Guilty

 The day of the communion Karen is brutally killed in the church during the ceremony and because Alice takes her place wearing her veil, the suspicions falls on the deeply troubled child, especially from her aunt Annie (Jane Lowry) who really fucking hates her niece.  After she is attached by the masked psycho this escalates. 

Their mother Catherine (Linda Miller) is traumatised by the death of her youngest but she and her husband Dom (Niles McMaster) refuse to believe Karen is responsible and Dom investigates the murder. 

It doesn't help that Alice is a mental bitch spends her days killing little animals and putting curses on people, throw in a obese potential peado landlord and we have a messed up situation going on. 

I'm looking for Donald Sutherland

Is it good:  Yes, A low budget but high value thriller/horror/slasher.  It isn’t a true slasher film in the sense of say Black Christmas but you can see how the cold silent knife wielding, mask wearing, killer would have an influence on the genre.  Paula Sheppard (Although strangely 19 at the time playing a 12 year old) is brilliant as the disturbed Alice, giving a believable performance. 

All of the actors put up good performance especially Alphonso (Alphonso DeNoble) as the fat perverted landlord. 

The subject matter is disturbing both the murder of a small child and that it’s potentially by her own sister.   

Turdige: Although the acting is good the screaming seems fake especially the mother it gets on your tits but this is a staple of 70s films they all seem like this.  

Some people would say it has ripped chunks out of the superior Don't Look Now (1973) mainly the iconic, creepy rain coated small people (Its yellow completely different) but don’t let it put you off.

  

If a fuckin dog can win BGT so can I

I watched this film when I was very young (probably a bit too young) and the stairwell scene scared the shit out of me I had nightmares of a knife through the foot for years (I still look around now when I walk down one).  Later I actually forgot about this movie and thought it was a scene from Don't Look now, so when I watched that again I thought I had dreamt it.  

It was only when I had no internet and blockbuster had gone bust I was going through my sisters DVD collection.  I by by-passed the even more terrifying Mamma Mia & found this played it and I wasn’t mad after all, Now that shit anecdote is out of the way.......  

Overall:   A little known Horror masterpiece. suspense and atmosphere to spare.  Don’t miss out watch it. 

Director: Alfred Sole Cast: Linda Miller, Mildred Clinton, Paula E. Sheppard, Niles McMaster , Jane Lowry, Brooke Shields

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